Corporate Whore

The Corporate Whore is still alive; however, a change of moniker is in order!

The following is a post I begun, meaning to chronicle Summer 2008. A series of fortunate and not so fortunate events meant that I was unable to continue with the update, until now. I conclude the post with a summary of what has happened since the post was written.

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A series of very fortunate events … Introducing Horny Harriet

Summer ‘08 shall be chronicled as a three part series.

The third week of the summer intern hunt began as innocuously as any other week. There were presentation sessions organised for a few of the interns, this was followed by a mid-week networking session (read: Intern piss-up) and the usual Friday drinks; it had been a fairly mundane week.

Being the affable and easy-going chap that I am, I decided to get to know a few of the interns and offer my unique insight into the world of strategy consulting (and perform full reconnaissance on the female interns without being too conspicuous). I was introduced to an intern who I’ll call Horny Harriet. From the outset she (Horny Harriet) appeared to be the typical intern hired by our firm, she studied at a prestigious university, had been the captain, president and chair of various clubs and societies, on top of some amazing charitable work. I didn’t spend an excessive amount of time with her as I had a mission to complete. I was introduced to and had conversations with the majority of interns. I had previously ruled out any advances that could have occurred, as I was on a purely recon mission and devise my plan of attack during the next week.

As I was preparing my exit, Horny Harriet approached me and we struck up a conversation. From the outset I could tell where this conversation was headed. She began by asking me what was the worst thing an employee had done to get fired (well, these people haven’t been fired yet, so it can’t be so bad) and whether I had some close to any these offences. I gave a knowing smile and replied that I’m generally a good boy. She chuckled then said “It’s good to hear that you’re a good boy, especially when the client is footing the bill. Good boys seem to be the norm at uni but sometimes a girl just wants the experience of something that deviates from that norm”. From then on it was game on, I knew score. We arranged to leave separately, she would make her excuses and I would follow her 20 minutes later.

I arrived at her flat and we were at it almost immediately. With large quantities of alcohol coursing through our veins, we skipped the niceties and banter that is so often de rigueur with first night relations. We were approaching the big dance when she paused and whispered to me “Would you like to someone else to be involved, another girl?” I tried to maintain a semblance of calm, however, I can imagine that I didn’t succeed as she began to laugh. My reaction must have been enough for her as she began to make a few calls. She made approximately eight calls with none of them bearing fruit. “Oh well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be” she said. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass me by. I, like most men (I assume), like to believe we think with our minds and not our sexual devices. At this point, I’d like to think it was a combination of the alcohol and the possibility of a ménage a trois that led me to suggest HR Beauty as a possible partner. Far from being wary at the prospect of an unknown entering the equation, she was jubilant. I called HR Beauty - she had been out with friends and was also highly intoxicated - and invited her to join me at a party. To cut a long story short, HR Beauty was initially shocked, but ultimately agreed to the proposal. Conversing with Horny Harriet was certainly the best investment I had made in a long time!
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• HR Beauty gabbled like a goose to a few of her HR friends about the events of that night, omitting her activities and wildly exaggerating mine.
• Word soon spread like wildfire. The once spotless Corporate Whore and been thrown into a tar pit.
• Around this time, I was fortunate enough to work on a project where I had the chance to meet a number of prominent Arabian financiers.
• I managed to sufficiently impress and was offered a job.
• I accepted and handed in my notice the next day.
• Within 48 hours, I was on a flight to one of the GCC states.
• I spent my garden leave making the necessary preparations.
• I began my new role early in the autumn.

The Strat Whore seemed to have caused a bit of a flurry with her last post. She has returned, this time to impart her words of wisdom on what she’s learnt this summer as a corporate whore.

What I have learned this summer in my Corporate Whoring Consulting Life….

• Partners and Directors at one Big Firm regularly include visiting strip clubs as part of their ‘monthly team meeting’; this is expensed to the company. Tut, tut!

• Do not share good ideas with your superiors, they just steal it, change one word and call it their own when presenting it to the project lead, Bastards!

• The Summer Ball is the best event of the season. The Plus+1 invitation means that you get the opportunity to judge all your colleagues partners/lovers/significant others. Sooo Bitchy and soo much fun! I obviously had a very attractive man on my arm…shame I can’t say that for the majority of the attendees.

• Investment Bankers! You aren’t so cocky now, are you?! Ha! I was recently chatted up by a rather annoying IB in a ‘City-Boy’ bar, when I mentioned the credit crunch and the state of the financial markets; he looked like he wanted to cry… Oh, well, at least that got rid of him!

• The office is becoming populated with leather skinned, over-tanned Partners returning from the summer break in France/Italy.

• There are no hot men in my office, and it sucks, I’m officially bored by the lack of sex appeal!

• EVERYONE noticed that a certain member of our team was wearing the same shirt two day in a row, and hence has been shagging the project director in her flat, again! I deliberately had a discussion that morning about the importance of fidelity in marriage and watched them both squirm, we were all greatly amused.

• Training and corporate brainwashing are one of the same: This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value……… Arrrah!!!!!! Please Stop this torture!

That’s all for now, I will let you know if I find a hot male consultant to play with, I won’t hold my breath…

Apologies for the lack of updates and delayed (non-existent) responses to e-mails. The past five weeks have been like a roller coaster ride that you don’t want to end, but you know if it doesn’t come to an end, you’ll be violently sick and will suffer the consequences for a long time.

Updates by the end of the week.

A little help for interns struggling in the corporate world.

• Don’t let anyone but another trusted intern hear this, this or even these(should you wish to utter something similar).

• Don’t stare slack jawed at your monitor and take 3 hours to do a 30 minute job. If you need help, ask. We don’t all bite. Caveat being unless you’re a pretty female we’re trying to bed and you ask us to.

• Don’t let anyone but other interns hear you’re true feelings of the job. We think it’s shit too, no need to shove it in our faces. Whilst you may be using the internship as a talking point for future applications etc, this is our day job and we can’t escape from this living hell.

• Arse kissing gets you far. We can spot it a mile off, but a few of us revel in how much arse you kiss. Personally, I detest it and if you’re clever enough to decipher my identity, don’t do it, lest you want me to mock you in front of other interns and colleagues.

• Don’t take shit. To a certain degree, we throw it to determine your resilience. If your biggest job of the day is to tack up roadmaps of the project/deliverables, flag this up to someone. Whilst we appreciate you’re mostly a nervous wreck (who wouldn’t be, being in the midst of demi-strat-consultant-Gods?), don’t take too much shit from us.

• Don’t be a cocky wanker. Knowing when to take shit and when to throw it back is one of the biggest lessons you will learn on your internship. The probability of an offer being extended is directly related to how quickly you pick this up.

• DO NOT sit in the meeting room watching Youtube videos whilst attempting to stifle laughter, especially when we’re on a conference call. We aren’t stupid (see demi-God comment above), we’ve mastered the act of looking busy. Do not try to con the con-men, you will get burnt.

• Don’t come into work late and hung over from intern social activities the night before then attempt to lie about it. Who do you think you’re dealing with? We’re CON-sultants remember? We’ve pulled that shit waaaay better than you over a thousand times.

• Don’t pull out you iPhone and think you’re a hotshot. If you pull up to work in a Bugatti Veyron, you’re a hotshot. If you pull out an iPhone, you look like the 20 million other people in the world with one. How many Veyrons have you seen recently?

• Don’t take personal calls in the meeting room where we work. Especially from your mother chastising you for not tidying your room.

Following this advise will put you in good stead when it comes to round-table reviews regarding who should be hired.

Inebriated Intern Quotes

Bankers?!! Fuck the bankers? Consultants?! You rock!! Actually, I’d like to fcuk the consultants too!

Nah, I don’t like condoms, they make my dick too oily. Don’t really worry about AIDS, we’re strat consultants, we CAN’T get AIDS.

[Corporate Whore] is a hotty. I haven’t heard any gossip about him. I bet he’s gay!
I most certainly am not!

Are you crazy? Hell yeah, I’d let her tie me up, hose me down and spank me till her arms fall off. She is the biggest MILF I’ve ever seen.

My grades weren’t so great for GCSE & A’Level. For about 3 years, I used to hear voices in my head, they told me to do stuff. Not anything crazy, like butchering people to death, just normal stuff like I needed to make sure the bed was made and stuff.

I have no morals. I’ll sleep with anyone I can, male or female, to get to the top. Once I get there, I’ll expose all my revious lovers.

I wonder if we have a limit on what we can expense.
Over £90,000 later and I wonder the same thing.

I wonder whether [mildly attractive intern] would let me do her up the dirt track?

Nepotism. Straight up, I’m not gonna lie to you and pretend I’m the dogs. Nepotism worked heavily in my favour when interviewing for the job.

Corporate Whore, proving why alcohol is bad for those under 23.

Still recovering from the antics of last week (week 3). Details should be up by the end of this week.

Click the picture for clearer text.

Original picture taken from WallStreetFighter

After reading the tales of my Corporate Whoring for over a year, I decided it would be good to inject a little diversity to the blog (do you expect anything less? I tell clients to diversify their portfolios and value propositions on at least 40% of cases I work on).

I’ve decided to bring a fellow consultant on board. I would say she’s the female version of myself, but I’m yet to deduce whether she sleeps with HR personnel or grossly abuses her expense account. Hopefully, over the course of the coming weeks, I (we) will find out. Introducing the Strat Whore …

The interview from hell: Final interview/assessment for consulant positions, 6 points to note for future whore candidates:




1. Partner interview often consists of 40:60

40% of the interview the partner will talk about him/her self, where they have come from, how they got to where they are, how amazing they believe them selves to be and so on. 60% boring competency questions that you will already know your answers to backwards! The former 40% is your opportunity to look in awe and admiration at your potential pimp (The up their own ass, corporate prick that even when interviewing can’t help but wank their ego). You may wish you could walk out and tell them where to stick the job - but use this as your first opportunity to suck-up, look inspired and impressed by their bull shit, let them know how interesting they are and how you could only hope to be a good pimp like them one day.





2. Sell your body and mind

You may get the crazy unconventional partner who makes his own rules - instead of asking the recommended HR ‘don’t get us sued pc questions’. He will attempt an interview loosely based on all the worst parts of the apprentice interview regime. Fuck The Apprentice and AMS for giving the bastards ideas! You will now have to perform for the pleasure of the pimp - who will sit back and enjoy as you sweat, squirm and generally wish you were anywhere else. He will say things like: “Sell your self to me in 1 min”, “What are you like on a team night out”, “Who do you most respect and why”, “If I was a client how far would you go to impress me”….



These questions are ridiculous and should not warrant an answer but as the pimp is in the position of power you will do your best to please him! So dance monkey, dance and make sure its exotic enough to sustain the appetite of a jaded pimp!





3. Be nice to HR

The HR bitches have a lot of say on the day, they are the ones who are really in control, they know what rooms you have to go to and when, they know where the loo is, they will be assessing your psychometric bullshit and informing the partners of your results, they know how to fuck you up so be warned - kiss ass!





4. The power of female sex

If the partner is one of the many creepy, old, pervy men that are commonplace in the consultancy industry then play the game! A little flirting goes a long way; it entertains the partner through the boring interviews and makes you a more desirable candidate. Just a little is all that is required. You do not have to continue this charade once your hired!





5. G.A.Y Rules!

Boys, if the partner is obviously G.A.Y then the same applies to you, forget your macho ‘I’m a straight red blooded man’ BS and bat your eyelids and if possible bend over and pick up your pen that you have ‘accidentally’ dropped on the floor at the end of the interview as you exit the room - gay men don’t need subtle! You do not have to continue this charade once you’re hired!




6. And Don’t say any of these…

Like your tie,

I’m only 24,

I’m only here coz I shagged a colleague/boss,

I’m only here coz I hate my boss,

I’m still drunk from last night,

I don’t shag around,

I’m a Mormon,

I do a lot for charity,

I value work/life balance,

You’re are a tosser!







Whores! Got any more advice to add to this list, please feel free..

The first week of an internship (the first week of proper* work, as opposed to training) is always a joyous occasion. The undergraduate interns attempt to size each other up and out-drink each other at company sponsored events. The MBA interns also size each other up, however, they are slightly more refined in their alcohol consumption.

Fortunately, I was in-between projects last week and was able to enjoy the festivities in full. Enter Buxom Brunette Becky. The Buxom Brunette bore more than a striking resemblance to the naughty school girls seen on the X-rated channels available to road warriors in all good hotel establishments. I entered the reserved area of the establishment and wasted no time in introducing myself. The Buxom Brunette was a Economics graduate at Oxbridge but hated her degree and had plans on setting up a number of computer centres in West Africa. I asked her what attracted her to the big bad world of strategy consulting. I imagined her looking me in the eyes, then softly whispering “I know who you are, I read your blog all the time. You’re a bad motherf*cker and I applied to meet you in flesh and do me in a client office”. I awoke from my daze to catch the remnants of what sounded like the bullshit answers we all give when being asked “why strategy consulting”. I think I heard her mention using learning and using her improved knowledge to help organisational challenges. I chuckled silently.

It must not have been as silent as I had hoped because she asked me why I was laughing. I responded by telling her that I’d heard a 100 versions of the answer she had just given. I then challenged her to give the real reason for choosing strategy. Instead of backing down or reaffirming her commitment to consulting (as I expected), she paused and said “well, I’ve heard you consultants don’t do much. It seems to be a load of PowerPoint, plagiarism of business models and inventing fanciful names to cover exorbitant expense accounts. Yet, you seem to earn a fair sum for your efforts and the exit opportunities aren’t so bad. I wanted to steer clear of the banking and finance nerds, so I thought I’d check out this gig you’ve got going on.”
I was smitten. Her response lit a fire inside me. I knew I had to develop a carnal knowledge of the Buxom Brunette. I ignored the other interns for the rest of the evening and focused on presenting myself in a positive light to her.

As fate would have it, she didn’t live too far from me (well, we’re approximately 8 miles apart at opposing ends of London, but that wasn’t the time for semantics) and we shared a cab. Being the gentleman that I am, I insisted that she be dropped off first, to ensure her safety and such. HA! When we arrived at her place, I decided to try my luck and invited myself round for a nightcap. Surprisingly, she accepted without argument.

As for the rest of the evening, well, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but I assure you I received a lot of knowledge from the Buxom Brunette.

* As proper as it can be for a consultant

It’s interesting to note that a woman exists at the pivotal point when the any semblance of the original message is transformed to something unrelated. ‘Excel - Woman - Sell’ and ‘Bye - Woman - Buy’.

Coincidence?
The artist subtly implying women are the single point of failure in the markets?
Reading to much into a picture after a late night wooing a few interns?

Thoughts on a postcard to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or leave a comment below.

Image taken from : www.howardlindzon.com