• Don't let anyone but another trusted intern hear this, this or even these(should you wish to utter something similar).

• Don't stare slack jawed at your monitor and take 3 hours to do a 30 minute job. If you need help, ask. We don't all bite. Caveat being unless you're a pretty female we're trying to bed and you ask us to.

• Don't let anyone but other interns hear you're true feelings of the job. We think it's shit too, no need to shove it in our faces. Whilst you may be using the internship as a talking point for future applications etc, this is our day job and we can't escape from this living hell.

• Arse kissing gets you far. We can spot it a mile off, but a few of us revel in how much arse you kiss. Personally, I detest it and if you're clever enough to decipher my identity, don't do it, lest you want me to mock you in front of other interns and colleagues.

• Don't take shit. To a certain degree, we throw it to determine your resilience. If your biggest job of the day is to tack up roadmaps of the project/deliverables, flag this up to someone. Whilst we appreciate you're mostly a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be, being in the midst of demi-strat-consultant-Gods?), don't take too much shit from us.

• Don't be a cocky wanker. Knowing when to take shit and when to throw it back is one of the biggest lessons you will learn on your internship. The probability of an offer being extended is directly related to how quickly you pick this up.

• DO NOT sit in the meeting room watching Youtube videos whilst attempting to stifle laughter, especially when we're on a conference call. We aren't stupid (see demi-God comment above), we've mastered the act of looking busy. Do not try to con the con-men, you will get burnt.

• Don't come into work late and hung over from intern social activities the night before then attempt to lie about it. Who do you think you're dealing with? We're CON-sultants remember? We've pulled that shit waaaay better than you over a thousand times.

• Don't pull out you iPhone and think you're a hotshot. If you pull up to work in a Bugatti Veyron, you're a hotshot. If you pull out an iPhone, you look like the 20 million other people in the world with one. How many Veyrons have you seen recently?

• Don't take personal calls in the meeting room where we work. Especially from your mother chastising you for not tidying your room.

Bankers?!! Fuck the bankers? Consultants?! You rock!! Actually, I'd like to fcuk the consultants too!


Nah, I don't like condoms, they make my dick too oily. Don't really worry about AIDS, we're strat consultants, we CAN'T get AIDS.


[Corporate Whore] is a hotty. I haven't heard any gossip about him. I bet he's gay!
I most certainly am not!


Are you crazy? Hell yeah, I'd let her tie me up, hose me down and spank me till her arms fall off. She is the biggest MILF I've ever seen.


My grades weren't so great for GCSE & A'Level. For about 3 years, I used to hear voices in my head, they told me to do stuff. Not anything crazy, like butchering people to death, just normal stuff like I needed to make sure the bed was made and stuff.


I have no morals. I'll sleep with anyone I can, male or female, to get to the top. Once I get there, I'll expose all my revious lovers.


I wonder if we have a limit on what we can expense.
Over £90,000 later and I wonder the same thing.


I wonder whether [mildly attractive intern] would let me do her up the dirt track?


Nepotism. Straight up, I'm not gonna lie to you and pretend I'm the dogs. Nepotism worked heavily in my favour when interviewing for the job.



Corporate Whore, proving why alcohol is bad for those under 23.

Still recovering from the antics of last week (week 3). Details should be up by the end of this week.

It must not have been as silent as I had hoped because she asked me why I was laughing. I responded by telling her that I'd heard a 100 versions of the answer she had just given. I then challenged her to give the real reason for choosing strategy. Instead of backing down or reaffirming her commitment to consulting (as I expected), she paused and said "well, I've heard you consultants don't do much. It seems to be a load of PowerPoint, plagiarism of business models and inventing fanciful names to cover exorbitant expense accounts. Yet, you seem to earn a fair sum for your efforts and the exit opportunities aren't so bad. I wanted to steer clear of the banking and finance nerds, so I thought I'd check out this gig you've got going on."
I was smitten. Her response lit a fire inside me. I knew I had to develop a carnal knowledge of the Buxom Brunette. I ignored the other interns for the rest of the evening and focused on presenting myself in a positive light to her.



As fate would have it, she didn't live too far from me (well, we're approximately 8 miles apart at opposing ends of London, but that wasn't the time for semantics) and we shared a cab. Being the gentleman that I am, I insisted that she be dropped off first, to ensure her safety and such. HA! When we arrived at her place, I decided to try my luck and invited myself round for a nightcap. Surprisingly, she accepted without argument.



As for the rest of the evening, well, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, but I assure you I received a lot of knowledge from the Buxom Brunette.

* As proper as it can be for a consultant

I don't know many bankers that have jumped to their deaths (not even this prat who believes a scrawled message on his dusty bonnet by the river is enough to convince the FBI of his death), but can recall a number of lawyers. I also know many lawyers who wished for death at one point or another on the path to glorified document admin. Is this insensitive? Yes it is, sue me ... oh wait, lawyers are becoming increasingly seem to be unavailable.