Corporate Whore

Overheard by a number of managers, senior managers and partners under varying degrees of intoxication ….

“University for me was pretty much a blur. I remember smoking copious amounts of marijuana at Cambridge and generally farting around. I did however manage to pull my socks up and plagiarise my finals. HA HA”

“Of course they are having problems with the system. If we ship them crap I would expect nothing less.”

“In the strictest sense, what we’re doing probably won’t add much benefit and I assume the whole thing will need revamping in 3 years. Which is where we offer a maintenance service.”

“That lass on your team, my goodness she has an arse on her. I would love to get her and [my wife] to do some dirty things to me.”

“University? I didn’t bother. My father knows a few people that were able to pull strings for me. I came from a 3 year journey across Australia and the oriental countries to [this job]. I was probably 100 times above any legal drug levels. It’s a wonder I didn’t keel over after my first week.”

“I know you know the project is pointless. I just can’t get my head round why the client doesn’t realise this. Never mind, they are paying tonight, what you having?”

“The whole thing is just bollocks. It won’t work.”

“At the client meeting tomorrow, don’t mention anything about [it]. If they ask, we don’t want to lie, but we CANNOT let them know the truth”

I realised I have no distinct *about me* section. It would be a travesty to leave readers wondering who the Corporate Whore is. Especially as I seem to be comfortable with being a whore.

Without further BS …..

Name: Corporate Whore

Occupation: Analyst Consultant

Location: London

Favourite position: Bent over being rogered by clients

Fares: Upwards of £600 per day

That’s pretty much it. I’m slowly turning into a drone. Days transform into weeks which mutate into months and … you get the picture.

I can be found in one of two places:

On a corner, waiting for my behind to be pimped out to a client for a princely sum, of which I’ll see maybe 0.1%

Or I can be found with the client wherever they are located. Clients prefer my masochistic role, where I am being anally violated yet expect me to demand for more. I guess for the price they pay, they want to see some substantial flesh.

 

This blog was created in an attempt to curb this downward spiral. This blog may also be used as evidence if I ever have to stand trial for the extermination of sadistic clients and pimps.

 

On second thoughts, the blog may also be used by the prosecution. Hmm ….

 

Inspired by: http://newhoosier.wordpress.com/about/

Can you guess which one I am?

Of Kings and Pawns

Every so often, I question why I am a consultant. To be perfectly honest, most of the projects I work/have worked on are terrible. I know some very talented undergrads could accomplish the work that I have been involved in. I also remember one project where a 14 year old with some maturity could have completed my daily tasks. Yet the client was billed close to £1000 for my “efforts”.

I question what motivates me to do the work I do, spend countless hours on the client site, feigning interest at whatever story the senior manager may wish to endow us with (I’ve heard some shockers that would make the most cracked out crackhead turn crimson; I may detail some in the near future).

 

 

Whenever I seriously question my raison d’etre as a consultant, I always take a step back and remember that I’m a corporate whore. Being a whore means my clientelle will more often than not splash out on me (and my co-whores). This includes regular project “meetings” and events. These “meetings” usually consist of an hour of project status updates (they last longer than an hour, but I arrive late and leave as early as I can without arousing suspicion). After the meeting, most of the project team will convene at a local restaurant where we gorge ourselves on food and drink. The establishment usually includes a bar, ensuring we stay for after dinner drinks. There is always a bar tab setup for the company pimp (usually in the thousands), which I always ensure I make full use of by challenging co-whores to drinking contests; which I sometimes win but always regret the next morning.

 

Then there is the travel. There are numerous people that say the travelling aspect of consultancy is a negative feature. Granted, a substantial number of consultants have families or commitments in their home locales; however a number of young, single, non-committed people complain. Those people are morons. Between myself and a handful of my co-whores we have travelled to 32 different countries, within 24 months.

Approximately 12 countries have been work related. However, the rest have been weekend breaks away; paid for by the client.

Now, I get paid a princely sum for my services, not the greatest, but I could be earning a lot less. However, as the new flybmi advert proclaims journeys are better when they are free”. They sure are.

 

When I begin contemplating my career choice, I remember these, and a handful of other perks and smile. I very quickly awake from my daydream to spread my legs at the request of the client.

That feeling when you’re playing your favourite game, either PS2, Xbox Blackberry etc and you’re on a high score, then someone distracts your attention, either switching off power or covering the screen. The feeling of anger and rage you feel towards that person is what I feel to brown nosers.

They should all rot in steaming piles of faeces.

 Let’s call him John.

Friday night, 9.30pm. The project team I am working with have near enough completed all tasks for the day. We’re tired and highly demotivated. Flights have been missed, Weekends cancelled or restructured and partners/families very disgruntled.
We’re hoping to be out within the hour, then we all receive an e-mail. It’s from a senior manager.
The e-mail contains about 5 hours more work for us to do before the morning; suggested by a member of the team. John had gone behind our backs to e-mail him about some work he thought would be beneficial to the client. We had absolutely no knowledge of it. The senior manager seemed to think we were all keen. We weren’t.

My feelings of rage returned. At that point, I could have dragged John by his greasy hair into the lift and beaten him to death with a plastic stapler.

I swore revenge.

Luckily, we had a project social event later on that week. John had gorged himself full of food and alcohol and was feeling very merry.
Each member of the team that had to stay late (save miss good two shoes), spat in his glass. With a few expectorating some repulsive substances. We all watched as John returned and finished his drink. A number of pictures were taken as this was happening. The look on his face after he finished the drink and we revealed to him what had been done was priceless.

 

Working 18 hour days, everyday for close to two weeks, you submit the document you’ve been working on. A distinct lack of interest in the subject means that the work, whilst sufficient, is not stellar. You submit to your manager, awaiting feedback. Whilst awaiting your managers return from a drink and (most probably) drugs fest in Amsterdam , you rearrange your evening schedule to catch up with friends you haven’t seen for what seems an eternity. You are very pleased with the last 24 hours, the beast of a document you were working on has been tamed and tranquilised, and you can finally have some sort of social life again.

The manager returns and schedules a 20 minute meeting to go over the document. You receive a smile as you enter the meeting room. The fun ends there. Almost immediately you are bent over and verbally raped for the duration of the meeting. Everything about you is scrutinised. From your commitment to the project, to your haircut (WTF?).

Slowly, very very slowly, 20 minutes evolves into 2 hours. Getting raped for 2 hours is not fun. Not fun at all. As the ordeal progresses, it is clear your manager knows very little about the project. When you subtly attempt to make this known, the vigour of the violation increases.

After the violent ordeal is over, you are sent on your way to redo the work, with some extra work for good measure.

The final document plus extras are required in just over 72 hours.

Corporate Whore was sick of the terrible pimp host.

Corporate Whore has now moved to blog.com. All old posts have been copied over. Please update your bookmarks/syndication links etc.

http://corporatewhore.blog.com

Consultants are employed to improve the performance of a client’s business. There are many flavours of consultants ranging from the traditional (Strategy) to bizarre (Lactation).
An encompassing description for what a consultant does is to help a client with a problem. The nature of the work could range from assisting with strategy issues, technology issues or even “help mothers nourish their babes at the breast …”.

With this in mind, I recall a conversation I had working on a project that was critical on a daily basis for at least 4 million people.

Corporate Whore: Why do we need to do [this] before we can do [that]? I want to do [that] directly.
Mike: It’s the way the system has been implemented.
Corporate Whore: What?! But it’s logical to do [that] first. When the [main users] tested the system, they asked why they had to do [this] before [that].
Mike: I know. It’s daft. It’s done that way so it could pass the test phase.
Corporate Whore: So we’re giving the client a solution that works, but doesn’t work how they would like it?
Mike: Yup, it’s a piece of shit. From what Jane was saying, it would take longer to do [that] with the new system, instead of the paper based one.
Corporate Whore: So we’re delivering a solution that doesn’t work how they want it and they would be better off without and they are paying for it?! HA HAH A HAA
Mike: Yup. Bollocksed really.

Rejection is a bitch.

You may have little to no knowledge of the organisation, but you begin your research.
Armed with your predetermined answers to the most asked questions, you begin to fill out the application form. You message a couple of friends who may have some valuable nuggets of information that can be added. You want to make this application form shine. Shine so bright your bullshit looks like a reflective silver mirror turd.

You get stuck at the question asking why you applied for the organisation. You spend a couple of hours trawling through their website and other internet resources. It’s too late to call HR and slyly ask for some information. You have done so much research and read so many promises of an exciting and challenging career that you have convinced yourself this is the firm that is right for you. You have convinced yourself. This firm is amazing.

One last check of everything. Everything is in order. Save the form. Click. Sent.
Now the waiting game.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock (repeat a few thousand times)

You check your email and your heart skips a beat. They have replied. This is it. First round interview for sure

….

“
Dear Wanna Be Whore

Thank you for your interest in the position of Corporate Whore with Mitchell Armstrong Pimphouse

….

We have carefully considered your application and are impressed by your qualifications and skills. At this time however, we did not find a good match between our specific needs and your skills and experience. I therefore regret that we will not be proceeding further with your application.

Thank you, once again, for your interest in [us] and we wish you success in your future career.

Kind regards,

Mitchell Armstrong Crackwhore recruitment
“
SHIT

“
Dear Wanna Be Whore,

Thank you for your interest in a position with MegaPimps …
Unfortunately, after reviewing your materials, we are unable to continue with your application at this time.

…

We wish you the best of luck in your pursuit of employment opportunities.

Regards,

MegaPimps

HR
“
SHIT SHIT

Plenty more emails with similar content creep into your inbox in the following months.

SHIT SHIT SHIT

Rejection is a bitch.

www.accidenture.com

Brilliant!