Monday, October 29, 2007

Identity Exposed

Every time I post, I wonder whether I'll be rumbled and be summoned to a meeting with a HR drone and a senior manager or partner the next time I'm in the office.


When HR Beauty recently asked whether I thought there were any “beauties in HR”, I would have bet my worldly possessions that I had been exposed and my colleagues were playing some sort of sick prank.


As soon as the word "beauty" left her lips, it was as if time froze. I could instantly feel my heartbeat increase to 200 beats per minute; every single post I had made came flooding back to my memory. The next instant began with a thousand and one plausible excuses rushed into my mind, and I attempted to simultaneously dissect them all in order to determine which excuse would be the most realistic (a note to fellow consultants and those who get by on bullshit, when you've been caught out, NEVER admit the extent of your failings. Admit the least damaging of your misdemeanours and deny the rest. I assume you would have already concocted a backup plan/excuse should you ever enter such a predicament).


To buy some time, and in an attempt to ascertain the extent of her/their knowledge, I responded "why do you ask?” Her response could either signal the beginning of a job search or quell all my fears.


She gave me a coy look, followed by a playful smile and said "Well, I know you're a hit with the opposite sex and as we're currently planning the seating arrangement for the Christmas party I wondered if you had any requests to be seated with anyone that may tickle your fancy."



The wave of relief that followed was greater than that of O.J Simpson and Michael Jackson combined upon hearing their verdicts.

Posted by Corporate Whore at 21:45:03 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Inebriated quotes pt. IV

"I don't discriminate, I fly both ways, depends on my mood that night and if I've taken anything"
A consultant on his sexuality



"I'll bet my life that Zara Phillips has done it up the shit chute."



"We've got to own up to the problem, no more shirking the responsibility. However, we've got to do it in such a way as to lay the blame with [the other] team"



"I've got a 1st class Physics degree from Oxford, yet I'm pissing about on a sodding spreadsheet. Where did my life go so horribly wrong?"



"I'll let you in on a secret. Never have sex with your next door neighbour's wife. Especially if your wife is good friends with her"



"Don't waste your life working. Have a bash in the loo and let's get drunk"



"I'm slowly losing faith in everything. Someone should bludgeon me to death to save me"

Posted by Corporate Whore at 23:59:35 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Graduate Quotes I

Graduates say the funniest things:



"From what I understand so far, all we're doing is copying what other people have done and customising it for our clients."
Spot on young lad! 85% of consulting employs this approach.



"Fuck the partners, they don't do shit. I could do what they do better than they do it and be dead at the same time."



"... I like older women. She [the engagement manager] looks slightly wrinkly, I wonder if she has a wrinkly minge."



"Who needs people, love and all that bollocks when I've got Powerpoint and Excel!"



"I wish I'd been told the truth at uni. Writing my dissertation [12,000 words] in three days seems like a piece of piss compared to this."



"I guess we're obliged to lie at the recruitment fair. We were shafted, so it's their turn. It's the circle of life Simba."



"I ... actually ... think ... you're ... a cock."
Said to an engagement manager. The EM is a tad slow and I don't think he fully realises the audacity of the grad.



"Stop complaining, monkeys could do the job we do, yet we probably get paid more than the GDP of Zimbabwe."
Posted by Corporate Whore at 02:10:24 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

The Evil Crackberry

During the final year of my higher education, I was given two key pieces of advice that I intended to abide by forever. The first was to never have a sexual relationship with anybody that works for the same firm in the same country as myself. The second was to never own a blackberry.


I'm tempted on a regular basis to dismiss the first piece of advice. Friday's in the office and Friday drinks are edging away at my resolve. I haven't cracked yet and if I can make it past the numerous Christmas parties and themed events, I should be OK.


Over the past 18 months, I've concocted a number of excuses for not owning a crackberry; however, my excuses are running out fast. I was in conversation with a senior manager this week and he explained to me the delights of his "zippy little machine". When I confessed I was not an owner he became very concerned and proceeded to demonstrate the full functionality of his device (increasing my day by almost 2 hours, wanker).


I'm well aware of the features and have ceased to be impressed. It's the side effects of ownership that I'm wary of.
Everybody I know that owns this evil device (straight from the depths of hell) cannot fathom leaving the house without it, even on weekends and after work. I witnessed the worst case of crackberry addition when I recently met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a few years. He checked his blackberry at least once every 40 seconds or so. This guy had recently started with a law firm. Less than 6 months removed from university and he had already developed a nervous twitch.

I attended the recent NBA game in London with a die-hard basketball fan who had bought tickets within the hour they were available on Ticketmaster. He checked his device every 90 seconds or so, missing key baskets and plays. He became so frustrated that he ordered me to take it from him. Being the kind soul that I am, knowing his inner being was being torn in two, not only did I take it from him, I "accidentally" dropped it and stepped on it, cracking the screen and disabling it from use. When I returned it to him at the end of the game, I was expecting him to lose it. He gave me a knowing look, shrugged his shoulders and said "I guess I needed it". I later found out he had acquired a new device the very next day.



Every time the device is thrust into my direction with the suggestion I order one, I politely refuse and attempt to divert the discussion. I fear my days of polite refusal are coming to an end and I will soon enter the world of addiction to an electronic device that is the spawn of Satan. God help me.

Posted by Corporate Whore at 01:52:46 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Wonders of HR

It's amazing the power the HR department of any organisation has.

They have the power to hire and fire. The HR department can determine (with varying degrees of accuracy) the level of your pay. So you can parade across the office, posturing like a total dick, however, if your salary doesn't match the level of posturing HR will most probably let you know about it at the next organisation comms event.

HR also have the power to make office life heaven or hell. For once, I'm thankful for my HR department as working from the home office just became a whole lot easier to deal with.
I thank the HR department, but really it's a new recruit that has caught my attention; and I hers. She shall be called HR Beauty.

As luck would have it, HR Beauty began when I was on the tail end of a home based project. We hit it off straight away and we converse regularly (Oh the joys of IM). She has a wicked sense of humour that I'm hoping will turn naughty at the Christmas party. Unfortunately my new project is based in the north of the UK, meaning I can no longer watch HR Beauty's hips swing as she walks by.

I make no effort to conceal my actions and I'm sure she knows. I'm a patient guy, I'll bide my time until the Christmas party season. I'm hoping the freely flowing alcohol will loosen more than her inhibitions.
Posted by Corporate Whore at 00:01:42 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Monday, October 15, 2007

Evidence Uncovered - Final Chapter?

The final chapter in the sordid affair is currently being written. The following is a break down of the current situation:

  • Chris Jackson suffered several bouts of senility and dreams of divorcing his wife for Dionne. I assume he has some friends and they made him see the error of his ways.
  • Robert Sawyer confronted Chris Jackson at a work event about his relationship with Dionne. The situation became heated. Chris Jackson backed down as his wife was in the vicinity.
  • Robert Sawyer has since left the organisation.
  • Dionne Walters has decided her career is of greater importance and has decided to abort her love/lust child.
  • It's rumoured Dionne Walters is also seeking a new employer.
  • Mrs. Jackson apparently is none the wiser.

The Corporate Whore continues to slave away at his job, in a profession that claims to increase the revenue of an organisation whilst swindling them out of huge sums of money, assuming any position he is required to fulfil. Hopefully, this won’t last for too long.
Posted by Corporate Whore at 23:27:21 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Monday, October 08, 2007

Consultants Replace Food ?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1O5DdCls77g

"Africans don't need food?!"

Posted by Corporate Whore at 00:25:35 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Pimp My Luncheon

There are a number of my fellow whores who find the prospect of lunch with the ultimate pimp (a partner in the firm) terrifying. There are others who relish this opportunity to try and impress the pimp with their ungodly behaviour (brown-nosers and their ilk). Then there are those like myself who can see through the smoke and will use the opportunity to gain further understanding into the inner pimp circle and how to maximise the benefits of being a corporate whore, whilst actually keeping my legs closed.


I ensured I was neither the first nor the last arrive for lunch. I didn't want to appear too eager by arriving early (thus having to make small talk with said pimp) or too late and look like an unorganised slacker.

I arrived to the brown nosers attempting to curry favour in the eyes of the partner. I began to get irritated after a few minutes of their thinly veiled narcissism; mistake number one. Partners at my corporate pimp house are (for the most part) more highly paid, self-indulgent versions of the brown nosers. So why the brown nosers thought the partners would enjoy hearing about their work/lives is beyond me.

I decided now was an appropriate moment to move in, I asked everyone at the table "We have roughly clearly defined roles and know how we fit within a project, but how do you all believe you add that something special to your projects?” Silence. After a brief pause the brown nosers began reeling off the extra hours they work (as if we all don't!). The pimp looked squarely at me and said, "And how do you add extra value?” I responded with "I do what I'm told. When I'm finished, I take a step back and take a holistic view of the project and identify areas that we can increase delivery to the client whilst minimising cost to the firm". A smile began to curl from his lips and the others watched me with envy. I guess it didn't really matter whether I actually do the things I said I do, but knowing the correct thing to say would be enough.


At the end of the lunch as we were thanking the partner for his time (and for a free lunch) and we began to make our way back to the office, he pulled me aside, gave me his card, saying, "Mail me on Monday."
Phase one complete!
Posted by Corporate Whore at 23:59:23 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |