Corporate Whore

The Corporate Whore will be spending the festive season in warmer climes and wishes the readers a merry Christmas and happy New Year.

I work with some truly brilliant people. In an average team (6-12 people) there are over 8 degrees, including at least 2 Phd graduates. However, a relatively high Intelligence quotient is no substitute for common sense or social decorum, especially when you have the combination of (copious amounts of) alcohol, Christmas decorations and plush Christmas party.

The following events took place over the course of the last 2 weeks. Names have been altered to protect the guilty.

Saturday 8th December - Unofficial client team Christmas party

• Chris and Margaret were caught in a very tight position in the female toilets. Chris is married, Margaret has a long-time (female) partner.

• John and an anonymous waiter were spotted behind the building. It appeared that John had is zip down and the anonymous waiter was about to service him.

• Martin was unashamedly making suggestive comments to Lucy. Lucy seemed to dismiss them as the words of a drunken partner. Martin and Lucy were later caught in an unused function room. Lucy bent over shrieking in either pleasure or pain.

Wednesday 12th December - Official client team Christmas meal and party

• Only the Corporate Whore and another colleague showed. The rest of the team - ashamed by their actions - made their excuses.

• The Corporate Whore and colleague proceeded to drink themselves into an amazing stupor. The Corporate Whore woke up with a slight headache; the colleague found himself in a dressing gown on the sofa of a 40+ year old female, approximately 22 miles from the last bar we remember visiting.

Thursday 13th December - Drinks with the analysts

• See here

Friday 14th December - Firm Christmas party

• Jack revealed he has a “thing” for Claire. But was later found in a secluded spot with Joanna.

• Joanna is married to Gareth, who spent the entire evening leering at Michelle’s cleavage.

• Michelle was caught in very compromising positions with: Mark, David, George and Graeme (All partners).

• George and Graeme had a very vocal disagreement over Michelle.

• David was also found to be getting slightly too intimate with Johan.

• Sarah and Emma were discovered in the female toilets in a tangle of legs and arms; both, only just covered up.

• Jenny and Rebecca had a cat fight over Liam.

• Liam left with Susan.

• HR Beauty revealed to the Corporate Whore that she often has naughty thoughts whilst at work, especially on a Friday when the Corporate Whore is in the office. The Corporate Whore needed no more prompting. They left together with only the security guards in the building noticing their exit.

Saturday 15th December - Analyst Christmas party

• Charles was with Claire the whole night, they left together. Charles is newly married, not to Claire.

• Sarah was caught on her knees. Phil was caught standing upright in front of her.

• Initially, Mark and John were involved in a drunken brawl. This spiralled to include; Peter, Tony, Bill, Tom, Derrick and Annette.

• Hailey was screeching at Tom for accidentally slapping Annette.

• Hailey got an earful from Sophie, who has a thing for Tom.

• Andrew drunkenly revealed his partner is a 19 year old male student. (Nobody was surprised)

• Matt and Craig were seen leaving with Tara. (If rumours are true, they ended up having a threesome)

Wednesday 19th December - Christmas party of rival firm

The night was dull. I awoke the next day with the following clip in my inbox. It apparently shows a senior manager and a secretary.
http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=6yf2a09&s=1

“I’d love to fuck [the partner], why not?! If I did, I’d make sure I got pregnant and keep the baby. I’d be set for life.”

“LSE? I studied Maths at Cambridge! How about you suck MY dick?”

“What?! Of course everyone knows I spend evenings “penetrating” Laura in [a] meeting room.”
They didn’t, but they do now.

“… Believe me, it’s one of the nicest feelings in the world, I’m sure most people have done it.”
What is?
“When having sex, has your girlfriend ever stuck her finger up your shit chute? Get her to do it just before you cum, it’s better than a few lines of coke”
Silence, followed by comments of disgust. Said analyst has now become the butt (excuse the pun) of all jokes.

“Accenture? HA! I’ll have a curry tomorrow and shit all over any ‘consultant’ they can bring”

“Angela Merkel, there’s just something about her. I’d make her feel MY Bierwurst“

“You know how black people used to complain that old ladies cross the road when they are walking? Well, as soon as people know I’m a consultant, they always cross the road/room if they see me coming.”

“I’m actually sick of this consulting shit. It’s bullshit, we aren’t learning a thing. Fuck PowerPoint, fuck excel, fuck clients, although I quite like crooked expense claims and the hotels”

“I was doing [an engagement manager] whilst she was on the phone to her husband. God, it was hilarious. Great sex, great tits. Definitely NOT career limiting move.”

“You know what mate? You’re alright; your boss seems like a complete fucker.”
An almost universal truth.“

I’ve seen what you do. You don’t do shit. You should consult us on how Facebook can be used as a medium for generating revenue from the youth market. You spend more time on it than doing any ‘work’, like PowerPoint is work.”

“You, yeah you [Corporate Whore]. Go fuck yourself.”
I’d love to!

“Helen is so fcuking hot. It’s a shame I’ve got a girlfriend. I’d screw her on the dance floor if she would let me.”
He’s also got a wife.

“At the end of the day, we’re paying you guys. You provide a service and we pay for it, you’re like whores. Disgusting whores found in Soho, but you’re just in suits and use laptops. I can treat you like shit if I want. We’re paying your fucking wages, so shut the fcuk up and suck my dick.”
The director overheard his tirade. He is no longer in employment.

“Believe me, I’m the biggest campaigner for equality in the workplace. Women are just as capable as men. There is absolutely no need for a female to degrade herself in order to be promoted. Our demonstrated ability will suffice” - [Client employee 1, female, recently promoted]

Pointing to client employee 1 - “Yeah, she was caught at the summer party in a very compromising position with [a manager]. Nobody saw anything, but nobody saw Clinton either. I believe she’s admitted it to her circle, but thankfully I’m not in that group”

“Piss off. I’ll drink you all under the table”
Said just before he finished his 3rd drink and passed out for the night.

“I’ll tell you this ’cause I trust you. My wife’s sister gives amazing oral, the best part of it is that everybody can try it and see. I met her when I was searching for sexual services online. I booked her, not knowing it was her. It’s our secret”

And so the Christmas party season begins in earnest.

Friday 7th December - Client Christmas party

Saturday 8th December - Unofficial client team Christmas party

Wednesday 12th December - Official client team Christmas meal and party

Thursday 13th December - Drinks with the analysts

Friday 14th December - Firm Christmas party

Saturday 15th December - Analyst Christmas party (A number of analysts have requested my presence)

Wednesday 19th December - Christmas party of rival firm (Invited by a friend who work’s there)

Thursday 20th December - Drinks with old uni friends

Friday 21st December - Fly out to the land of warmer climes.

The events shall be documented as a series of quotes overhead throughout the night. Only the most brazen escapades shall be detailed.

Let the debauchery begin …

The Evil Crackberry

I know my days are numbered when:

• I see a dear old lady on the tube playing with her Blackberry and smiling merrily.

• The majority of 2nd year analysts and a significant number of 1st year analysts own one. I’m now in the minority.

• My desire to have a new “toy” increases ever so slightly.

• My manager has insisted I order one next year.