Corporate Whore

A real e-mail sent by an Accidenture employee to a Mr. Smith (names have been altered to protect the innocent).

They must have nothing better to do. Quite explicit in places.

"
Dear Mr [Smith],

We are very very very sorry and dont know how this has happened and has been out of our view for so long.

It seems, you were born by accident. Roughly 24 years ago, your maternal mother was giving oral sex to a donkey. Your mother is a very adventurous lady (and I use the term loosely; like your mum). She often felt great sexual urges to perform oral sex. Whenever she had "sucked us all off" in the office, she would turn her lust to animals.

At first we tried to stop her, but her cocaine induced powers (crackhead powers) meant that we were unable to tame this wild beast (wildebeest, see link below for early pictures of your mum in her "crackhead" state).

Anyway, onto how u were born. We caught your mum performing oral sex on a donkey (who your uncle claimed to be his gay lover). The donkey ejaculated into your mums face. She thought she had swallowed all of the donkey-semen (donkey spunk), alas, she hadnt. A few dribbles of donkey spunk had found its way into your mums gapping (very very very wide) vagina.

A few months later, your mum learned she was pregnant. By now she was a recovering crackhead, so she was overjoyed of a new chapter in her life. Subsequently, you "popped" out of your mum. We have only finished analysing your DNA, to find that your biological / paternal father is actually the donkey she had been sucking off. A link to your biological father is also posted below.

Sorry for the inconvenience caused. If you would like to contact your paternal father his e-mail address is: yourmum.sucked@meoff.com,

telephone no. - 1-800-DONKEYBLOW

http://www.jackhanna.com/Morethanamouthful.gif - Your crack induced mum

http://www.astro.washington.edu/reed/info/donkey.jpg - Your biological father

Sorry.

Dr. Man

(Institute for Donkey Blowing Mums)

"

And so my sojourn in Rome has come to an end.

Over the last two weeks:


Average number of hours spent at work each week: 96
Average number of hours spent working each week: 50
Average number of hours spent on challenging work: 24
Average lunch break: 1.5hrs
Approximate volume of ice-cream consumed: 15 litres
Number of times I've almost been run over: 22
Number of mafia looking guys I came across: 14
Number of pictures taken for tourists: 23
Number of pictures taken: 237
Number of inappropriate pictures: 52
Number of potential career/relationship ending pictures: 17
Number of pictures that could be used as evidence in a divorce case: 3
Total number of women a certain team-member returned to the hotel with: 9
Number of drunken nights: 8
Number of work events: 4
Number attended: 1
Number of all-nighters: 3 (I must add, each one consisted of: Working until 1/2am, then heading out to savour the night-life. Returning to the hotel at 7.30am, back on site by 8.30am)

 

It's been fun.

http://forum.top-consultant.com/UK/list.aspx?ID=32020


This young chap has found himself on the end of some HR bureaucracy.

I say Deloitte should offer him the job and stop being so petty.

Meritocracy


I hate the word. Many consulting organisations bill themselves as truly meritocratic organisations where hard-work is rewarded. Given my experiences and the experiences of some close friends, this claim is a total fabrication.


Producers can face legal action for misrepresenting a product. Employers should be able to face similar legal consequences. After all, the supply of labour is studied in Economics classes across the country and is just as valid as supply and demand of goods. It could even be argued that it is more desirable to the economy of a country to understand the value of the supply of labour (I won't go into reasons).



In a multinational consulting organisation, the recipe for climbing the ladder is as follows:

Ingredients:
- 500kg of condensed brown nosing
- Avg. 100 hour week
- Sexual favours to staff at manager level and above
- Provocative behaviour to staff at manager level and above

The ingredients are not mutually exclusive. Combine elements for maximum possibility of an outstanding end of year rating.


It's really no surprise to learn that a number of projects fail. With incompetent staff being promoted above and beyond those more suited to the role.



Am I bitter? Yes.
Have I been given a poor rating? No.


I've just witnessed the laziest, most simple-minded employee also receive a good rating above and beyond the more able in her peer group. A few managers know it. I suspect she has been giving sexual favours to a number of senior managers.

Only if I could uncover some evidence ....

Watch this space.

Overheard by a number of managers, senior managers and partners under varying degrees of intoxication and/or stress ....



"We need to make [the client's employees] look intelligent. I know it's going to be pretty difficult, but not all of them are inbred; however Mark does seem a tad slower than the rest"



"I DON'T CARE IF IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, JUST FUCKING GET IT DONE"



"I know you've been working hard and it's appreciated; we're trying to minimise overtime working. Can you work this weekend? It's quite important you're around."



"... Then the client is a moron."
Said when the client had just walked in. He left the project shortly after that.



"We don't really have a concrete plan regarding implementation. We can take a stab at it and hope for the best"
Regarding a multi-million pound project.



"I like black people. I just don't like them near me for too long. That doesn't make me racist. Racist is if I didn't like them at all or if I didn't let my kids play with them."



"I really couldn't care less about the project. I hope it is exposed for the shit that it is. It won't work. We're working in the wrong way. There's too many staff. [The company] is just being greedy. I've done my time here. I'll be pissing off on holiday next week. After that I'll be looking for a new job."



"If you can get away with less, do so. We'll leave the tidy up to the outsourcing guys."

Prostitute or Consultant

 

• "People ask you what you do and you can't explain it."
  

Sure I can. I advise clients in what they need to do to make their business better (however the client has defined
better). I stick around for some parts of the implementation. If (when) the project starts sinking, I jump ship before the
client realises the damage I have caused. I can then proclaim this as another successful project.


There are a lot of things that go on in-between, but that's the gist of things.

• "Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate."
  

And a host of other things that are necessary.

 

I'd say I was both. A prostitute dressed up as a consultant. But I guess that's clear from the title of the blog.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears...

1. My team lead.

She's an idiot. She really is.

Prior to employment I was under the illusion that management consulting firms employed candidates of high calibre. This cannot be further from the truth with my team lead. Now, I know plenty of people that are highly intelligent and have little to no common sense. However, I thought it impossible that I would find people of low intelligence and no common sense in consulting.

In some sick way, I would actually be relieved to find out she had gotten on her knees or had her legs akimbo in order to be offered the job.

The thing that gets me the most, is that I've been on this project for one day yet I know more than her who has been here for two weeks. Plus, PLUS! she went for a two and a half hour shopping trip on via dei Condotti. BITCH!

2. Retarded clients.

We offer a system that is no the verge of impossibility, promise to deliver it in half the time that it should take and promise it will ultimately increase the value of the organisation (either via increase in productivity or efficiency).

Are you really that retarded to see it's not doable?

This causes managers and managing partners to shovel shit down our necks. When the truth is, the project is flawed from its retarded inception.

The system fails, but by which time we're long gone and the client is financially worse off.

I guess I shouldn't really complain. As long as I'm being staffed in sunny locations, in 4/5* hotels and get to expense bills to them I won't complain (too much).

3. Ignorant colleagues

How is it possible that you can travel to a foreign country and lament that the locals don't speak English?

Worse still, complain when said foreigners are in the UK and trying to communicate in English; which may not be great, but it's a notable effort.

Willingly ignorant people should have their genitals sliced.

One of the supposed downsides of being a consultant is travelling. As a young man with no commitments, I disagree.