Monday, August 27, 2007

Today is a Great Day

Today has been a great day.


I was required to catch a 7am flight to continental Europe, for arrival at 10am for a client meeting.

The meeting was the most productive I have ever attended. Relatively short (80 minutes) and straight to the point. I was required to present my findings on some issues I have been researching. The clients asked some difficult questions which may have floored some lesser beings, however I responded with the dexterity of a Russian Olympic Gymnastics team. The clients were impressed; the engagement manager was impressed, even I was impressed with my showing.
Why I had to travel for 2 hours for an 80 minute meeting is beyong me, but I'm not complaining. My performance today should go some way into guaranteeing a good review in December.


By 3:30pm I was in the office, e-mailing a partner on the outcome of the meeting.


4:00pm and I was working remotely with my team at the client location.


The rest of the day went pretty smoothly. So much so that I was able to leave early. Obviously not earlier than mandated on my employment contract (5:30pm), but early relative to the hours I had worked last week and over the weekend (average time I left the client site was 11pm). Today was a good day. It was 8pm and I was making my way out of the building, I had a smile on my face.


I was able to catch the final remnants of sunlight and warmth before I entered the train station. I was shocked as I approached the platform, my surprise doubled as the train pulled in. Not only was the platform empty enough to move without being crushed, the carriage was also relatively vacant. Not so empty that I could find a seat, but suitably vacant for me to journey home without having to inhale the bodily gases and odour of overworked and under-washed professionals.


As I stood in the carriage reflecting on the day, I wondered why the day had gone so well. I came to the conclusion that I've been sufficiently indoctrinated in this debacle called Consultancy and today was simply the application of my training.


My attention then turned to the relatively vacant carriage. After a while the sight of the carriage ignited a feeling of unrest in my mind. Something was seriously out of place, not only with the carriage but the whole day. My mind toiled for a few minutes in an attempt to decipher what could be out of place.


Then it hit me. Today is a Bank Holiday. I was never supposed to wake up at 4am to journey across Europe for a meeting shorter than a football match. I was never supposed to return home at 8:45pm to worry about travelling to the client site early the next day.
I was supposed to be basking in the sunshine all day, transforming the rays of sunshine into energy in a fashion not unlike Superman.


Today was not so great after all.

Posted by Corporate Whore at 22:50:23 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Monday Morning Train Journey

Monday morning. The alarm goes off at 5am. In 90 minutes I will be on the train to Halifax. What joy!


I go through the motions of preparing myself for the coming week. I try and remember what bullshit I have to spew at the client meeting at 10am. I also have to get back to my assigned buddy. Fortunately this one appears to have his mind in the right place.


6.20am arrive at Kings Cross. I'm walking down the platform when I overhear an argument between a passenger and the guard.


Passenger [Thick African accent]: AH-AH! I don't undastaand.
Guard: Sir, your ticket is for the 6:35am train. This train is the delayed 6am train.
Passenger: But it's now 6:27 and you say the train will be leaving in tree [3] minutes. Which will make it closer to 6:35am, and that is the correct time for my train.
Guard: But it's the wrong train.
Passenger: How can it be the wrong train? I'm looking at it now. This is the train that takes me to Leeds isn't it?
Guard: Yes, but ...
Passenger: So how can it be wrong to get on the train? This is madness.
Guard: They are two different trains.
Passenger: So it should fit me.



At this point I had to conceal the uncontrollable laughter that was building up.

Posted by Corporate Whore at 01:24:32 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Buddies

The buddy system. A HR invention to hold the hands of graduates.
It's amazing some of the questions that are asked by the in-coming analyst group.
Here are a few gems I have come across.


"Hi [Corporate Whore],
Thanks for getting in touch. I was wondering how much of my salary do you think I should be saving/spending each month?"
WTF? I am not your parent.



"Hi [Corporate Whore],
This is gona sound cheeky but, how often do the office lads go out for a piss-up?"
I laughed when I read this. He's thinking on the right lines. However, his focus on the lads may be indicate something.



"Dear [Corporate Whore],
I can't log into the intranet, do you know how I can resolve this?"
Of course, wait until you begin employment and have received a username and password from IT. You moron.



"[Corporate Whore],
What do you do on a daily basis? Do you enjoy the work and the people? If not, why haven't you left?"
You pompous little shit.



"[Friend of the Corporate Whore],
What should I wear on the first day?"



"[Friend of the Corporate Whore],
Do you think printing up some business cards is a bit forward?"



"Hi [Corporate Whore],
Thanks for lunch, just one more question, what are the christmas parties like?"



"Dear [Corporate Whore].
... Any tips on how I can stand out in my group?"
My response "Use 'common' sense at all times. It's less common than people believe."
Posted by Corporate Whore at 01:04:52 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Spot the difference



I'm pretty certain I'll receive a complaint about this picture.

Oh well ...

Thanks to the anonymous ex-Accidenture employee
Posted by Corporate Whore at 00:34:32 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Report Writing

I have recently come across these two files:

http://ninjapants.org/files/america_essay.jpg

http://ninjapants.org/files/ww2-essay.jpg

After forwarding to a few friends, we are now in competition to pick embed all the words from one of the essays in the next report/manual we are given to write.

The prize has not yet been determined and even if it doesn't materialise, it breaks from the monotony of writing reports on some obscure subject no sane person should have an interest in.



Be on the look out for a report containing the following words:
"Maximoto", "props" and "ninjas".
Posted by Corporate Whore at 15:27:55 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

Monday, August 13, 2007

Evidence Uncovered - Scene 2 : Act 1

Time: Fast forward a week.

Location: Friday drinks at another London bar.


The Corporate Whore is beginning the weekend on a merry note. After an hour or so he notices that Robert Sawyer has not moved from his spot at the bar since he arrived. Keeping a watchful eye on Robert for 10 minutes or so, the Corporate Whore notices that Robert's drink of choice this evening was The Green Fairy, straight.

Another 20 minutes pass and Robert continues to knock them back. 10 minutes later Robert is 3/4 through a bottle.


At this point, the Corporate Whore approaches Robert to ascertain the reasons for wanting to irreparably damage his liver.



Corporate Whore: Rob! Need a drink?!

Robert Sawyer: Pissh off!

Corporate Whore: Nice! What's the deal with trying to dissolve your liver?

Robert Sawyer: I just like a drink that's all. Ish that a crime?

Corporate Whore: Not at all. Is everything ok?

Robert Sawyer: I wana be alone.


This banter continues for a few minutes, until ....


Corporate Whore: Rob, if you're in some kinda trouble let me know and I'll help however I can.

Robert Sawyer: You can't. I'm fucked. Totally fucked.

Corporate Whore: Why? What's wrong?

Robert Sawyer: (pause) ... (sigh) ... You know Dionne Walters?

Corporate Whore: Yeah, what about her?

Robert Sawyer: She's pregnant and I think it may be mine.

Corporate Whore: Oh shit!


The saga continues ....

Posted by Corporate Whore at 11:50:02 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Evidence Uncovered - Scene 1 : Act 2

After hearing Dionne's admission, the Corporate Whore immediately sobers up. The sudden transformation in swagger was a surprise to Dionne and Robert; they glanced at the Corporate Whore in an attempt to deduce how much information he may have heard.

Realising that his demeanour had suddenly changed, the Corporate Whore attempted to appear as if he were in a drunken stupor. It worked. They smiled politely and moved elsewhere in the bar.


The Corporate Whore smiled inwardly. This nugget of information would ensure the upper hand in subsequent encounters with either Chris or Dionne.

Posted by Corporate Whore at 11:44:37 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Not so Inebriated quotes pt. III

These quotes are from those below senior consultant level.


"I bet [the partner] likes to be spanked. He looks the sort. Like the dirty old uncle or your uncle's mate, that you run into at family gatherings."
Said within earshot of the partner's brown nosing P.A



"... I accidently deleted the test scripts. I think I got away with it though. I just made up some new ones from memory. I don't think anyone will notice. I don't think anyone will care."



"Why do we work these fucking hours? Helen will only find something wrong with it and we'll have to do it all again. This is bullshit. This isn't the shit they promised at uni."



"Thinking is the wrong way to go mate. You want to do blindly without question. Even if it's not logical, just do. If it fucks up, someone else will take the blame."



"If you read the report, you'll find that every 17th letter will repeatedly spell 'Fuck this shit'. It took ages to get it perfect. I wonder if anyone will notice."
Nobody did notice.



"I'm gonna make Steven puke all over himself at the Christmas party, take pics and post 'em up on the internet."
2/3 isn't bad. We're still waiting for the pics



"Working from home is a doddle. Make sure you're signed in. If you're really clever you can set custom auto-responders based on the content of the incoming message. I did this every friday for 6 weeks. I had a BBQ at least 4 times."



"It was me who deleted all the data from the network drive. It was also me who deleted the logs. Now Peter thinks we need new IT systems. Dickhead!"
Delaying the project by 10 days, but allowing us Friday and most of Monday off.


"If you don't want [the manager] on your neck, take him out for a drink, you know he loves to drink, take him out, get him hammered, make sure he cops off with a young lass, take pictures and send it to his wife. Or the police if she looks young enough."
Posted by Corporate Whore at 23:51:16 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Evidence Uncovered - Scene 1:Act 1

Prologue


Characters:
Senior Manager - Chris Jackson
Consultant - Dionne Walters
Information Source 1 - Robert Sawyer
Information Source 2 - Michael Davies
Consultant - Corporate Whore


Synopsis:
Chris Jackson has recently separated from his wife. Sources seem to suggest that she accused him of being unfaithful. An accusation he has denied vehemently.

Robert Sawyer and Michael Davies are mutually exclusive and are not aware of the information the other holds.

Michael Davies has evidence of an amorous relationship between Chris Jackson and Dionne Walters.

Robert Sawyer is a close (as close as you can get in a corporate environment) friend of Dionne Walters. She has made it known to him that she has a new boyfriend who is also a consultant. However, she claims he works for another firm.


Scene:
London Bar for a colleague's leaving do.

Dionne Walters and Robert Sawyer are with a group of colleagues. Dionne seems slightly dejected. Robert seems concerned. They break away from the group of colleagues so they can discuss a private matter. Dionne and Robert find a relatively quiet spot at the top of the stairs.

Enter Corporate Whore walking up the stairs. The Corporate Whore has had a few beverages and has been feeling merry for some time; however, not so merry that he can't be relied upon to give accurate information/figures if he were to receive a request from a neurotic manager.

Dionne and Robert quickly glance at the Corporate Whore to ensure he is sufficiently intoxicated and/or out of earshot.
Corporate Whore mentally notes that Dionne appears tearful, however he cannot be certain as the alcohol has fully integrated with his blood stream.
The thought escapes his mind and at that moment, the Corporate Whore receives a split second moment of clarity. At the exact same moment Dionne whispers to Robert that she is pregnant.



To be continued ....
Posted by Corporate Whore at 03:02:03 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Corporate Speak

"That’s the trouble with corporate bullshit. You find youself speaking it without even realising you’re sounding like an idiot."



The following is a real conversation that took place between yours truly and a friend, not long after my first anniversary as a lady man of the night, day and the crazy hours between 5am - 6.30am.


"
Michael: Why do you want projects in the energy sector?

Corporate Whore: I'm not planning on staying with [my firm] for longer than 5 years. I'm hoping to leverage the skills I gain from projects in the energy sector to land myself a job with a supermajor. After 18 months or so, my aim is to make a lateral into the renewable energy division.

Michael: Uhh (pause) Could you repeat that please.
"



That's when it dawned on me that I had become a blood vessel in the body of The Corporation.

Posted by Corporate Whore at 21:03:46 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |