Corporate Whore

Once a candidate has progressed passed the application form test, they next assessment they face (that I'll be covering) is the one to one interview.

I am a believer that the interview stage is the easiest stage of the application form.
Getting past the application form stage means the organisation is sufficiently interested in you. Owing to the nature of the work of an analyst (0-2 years), the employer is satisfied the candidate would be able to handle the "rigours" of the role. The interview stage usually consists of a case study and the more bog standard interview questions.
I won't be covering the case study as there are numerous sites online offering more guidance (accurate or not) than I can offer.

Interview questions come in two general categories:

Competency Questions
Technical Knowledge


Competency Questions.

We know and loathe them.

Describe a time when you did something you don't really care about, I don't really care about, but supposed HR "gurus" have deemed these questions a key indicator as to whether you can take shit and perform. In my experienc consulting firms cream themselves over Engineering grads. I know that an successfully completing an Engineering degree is not a trivial task. Unless you happen to be George Stevenson or a descendant who has inherited his technical know how.

Unless you're being interviewed by someone from HR (which is becoming less common), these questions are pretty mundane for interviewer and candidate. Unless the candidate mentions something amazingly spectacular:

Interviewer: Give me an example of how you handle pressure.

Candidate: Well, if you hadn't noticed, I'm Monika Lewinsky. I haven't slit my wrists or become a complete crackwhore, so I must be good at handling pressure.

Why would Ms. Lewinsky be interviewing for an analyst position? Well, consulting firms are notorious pimps. I assume she aims to capitalise on her whoreish image/behaviour/mannerisms.

There really are too many questions to analyse in any significant depth. However, this general format has always served me well.

If the first interview is with a HR employee, as opposed to someone (e.g. a manager) in the role; ensure your answers to the competency questions make you look like a potential super employee that would be willing to lay down their life at the behest of the firm. My experience has been that HR will follow their misguided logic and reasoning no matter what. I've seen many capable candidates falter at the interview stage because of inflexible HR recruitment procedures.

If however, the competency questions are conducted by a manager, ensure your answers are sufficient to put you in a favourable light, without going overboard. e.g.

HR: Explain a time you showed leadership.

• Camping in the woods. Or whatever it is graduates do these days.
  

Manager: Explain a time you showed leadership.

• Despite not being the chairperson on a university team/group, I managed to quell tension between two other members; ensuring our work was delivered on-time exceeding specification.

Technical Knowledge.

The reverse is true for technical questions. Lavish the manager with technical know-how, whilst providing the HR interviewer sufficient detail and buzz-words that make you seem as if you're the God of .

The most important aspect of this stage is to impress your interviewer. If your interviewer is a manager in the line of business, it will be at this stage that they'll decide whether you're suitable or not. Forget all the bollocks about even and fair recruitment categories. This is make or break. Establish a rapport with your interviewer at this stage and you're through.

I've always found it relatively easy to build a rapport with my interviewer. Smile when they smile, an occasional nod and attempt to chuckle at the often pathetic nuggets of humour they may try and throw into the interview. Managers at this stage not only assess your knowledge, but also your personality. Owing to the very long hours you will inevitably be spending with your team, they attempt to determine whether you will make those hours more palatable or will grate on them like The Bucket Woman.

If you can crack an amusing anecdote within the framework of the conversation, give yourself a pat on the back. Unless you say something totally out of line and/or the interviewer is a total wanker (of which there are many) and you should be fine and expect a call through to the final stage.

The dreaded assessment centre.

Evidence Uncovered - Scene 2 : Act 1
Evidence Uncovered - Scene 1 : Act 2
Evidence Uncovered - Scene 1 : Act 1

Time: Mid-September

Location: Pimp Office - Elevators


Synopsis:
Dionne Walters has been on annual leave for 2 weeks. She says she's come down with a "stomach bug" and is currently ill.


Corporate Whore: Rob! How you doing?

Robert Sawyer: Hey, I'm good thanks. Sorry 'bout the other week. Had too much to drink and had some stuff on my mind. I hope I didn't make a twat of myself.

Corporate Whore: Ha ha. Of course not. All's well. Is everything sorted now?

Robert Sawyer: Kinda, but not really. I think I'm about to be a dad. But I'm not sure. I kind of had a one night stand a few weeks back. I guess I wasn't the only guy she slept with that week or something. Now she says she's not sure. The thing is, the other guy, he's married. And he's a c**t.

Corporate Whore: Whoa. Anyone I know?

Robert Sawyer: Nah, I don't think so.


[Fast forward to last week]


Time: (approx) 11:20am

Location: Pimp Office - Elevators


Chris Jackson: Hey Corporate Whore, got a minute spare?

Corporate Whore: Yeah I'm going up to 10.

Chris Jackson: Good. Do you know Rob Sawyer well?

Corporate Whore: I've spoken to him a few times. Traded insults after one too many drinks. Why?

Chris Jackson: Heard some rumours that he may be batting for the other team. You don't know if he's seeing anyone? He doesn't really seem to be the ladies man type. At the same time, it's surprising to think he may be gay.

Corporate Whore: WOW. That's the first I heard of it. I'd be shocked if he was gay.

Chris Jackson: I'm getting off here, we'll continue the conversation later.

Corporate Whore: Ok. Speak soon.

My current project requires me to travel to Hertfordshire everyday. It's close enough to commute, yet far enough that I have to rise at 5.30am every day. I am not pleased. I was offered the opportunity to stay at a local hotel; however after arriving on the first day, I swiftly declined. I'm sure there is more action at a hospice for geriatric patients.

On one of my sleep deprived morning journeys to the wasteland, I noticed a secondary school student attempting to balance his text book on one knee and his exercise book on the other. I can only assume that he was attempting to complete some homework that had been set by a teacher. The young student, seemingly decided he did not wish to be held captive by the shackles of GCSE studies. The scene was all too familiar as memories of bus journeys to school copying Mark Wilkins' homework came flooding back.

Not only did that incident cause me to reminisce about my youthful days, it also got me thinking about consulting. There are many parallels between consulting projects and school kids rushing to complete their homework on the way to school the day it's due or even the night before it's due.

• School kids expend alot of energy in completing the work in order to avoid punishment. The work may have been set a few weeks in advance, yet they leave it 'til the last minute to begin work in earnest.

The length of a consulting project can vary, and it would make sense to attempt to evenly distribute the workload of the project team in order to avoid working 24+ hours when the deadline is approaching. In all my (relatively few) years in consulting, taking into account the (almost) 20 projects I've worked on, my schedule has never been managed as described. There is always a mad rush to sign off the project (thus avoiding penalty fees) and a hedonistic congratulatory party afterwards. I suppose without the mad push, managers would feel less of a need to splash out on the party. With the drinks bill running into the thousands, I'll try not to complain the next time I'm working at 4.30am to get a document complete in 3.5 hours.

• School kids will try at all costs to copy the homework instead of completing using their own brainpower.

In approximately 90% of the projects I've worked on, I've always heard the engagement manager say "find out if [company xyz] have done something similar. If so, find out all you can to plagiarise". I've even heard the following mentioned "plagiarism is the way forward in this company. If you can't plagiarise it, you're not looking hard enough. We'll leave new stuff to the research guys from IT". I guess university did not prepare me for the professional world, where we are penalised for discovering efficient methods to complete a task (plagiarism). However, you can argue that universities exist to promote learning. To that I'll say; try explaining to a partner that you think the project should take twice as long, costing more, just so that you don't copy another firm, who copied a different firm, who probably copied someone else etc. At best you'll get laughed at. At worst (depending on the sanity of the partner), you may be hung drawn and quartered.

• Kids get an undeserved feeling of satisfaction when submitting a piece of substandard work 10 minutes before it's due.

Ditto for consulting, see comments about the hedonistic party above. The firm knows it's substandard, yet promises are made (and broken) that the next project will have better management. HA!

Application forms. The first stage in the application process that fells approximately 65-70% of applicants. I'm a firm believer that if you can pass this first stage, at least 60% of the work required in obtaining that seemingly illusive offer is complete.

Personal Details.
If you're struggling at this point, go and see a GP. I'm sure those with an IQ equivalent to yours are entitled to benefits.

Job Role.
It's important you know the role you're applying for. It might seem like an obvious statement to make; but I've come to learn common sense is not common at all and it's usually the obvious that people miss.
I once knew a girl who once successful in obtaining an offer for an HR position at an investment bank. Days before she began work, she told me she disliked the idea of working with people. Or another friend who obtained an offer from an IT consultancy after realising he hates technology.
Before I get too preachy, it's vital you consider what you like about the role you're applying for and how it would suit you. I'd be surprised if they didn't ask a similar question in the interview.

Education Details.
Don't lie, you will get found out and the consequences can be dire.
However, If you haven't finished your degree yet, give yourself a high rating. For example, if you find you're on a borderline 2.1/2.2 list your expected grade as a 2.1, and then proceed to work like maniac for the rest of the year (assuming you're applying to a "dream job"). The same goes for the borderline 1st/2.1.
This isn't a lie as you expect yourself to get a 1st/2.1 IF you work like a maniac and can make the grade. I once knew a student that graduated with a 2.2; not amazing until you consider the fact up until the 2nd semester of his final year, he was averaging a very low 3rd.
Dissertation details. This one seems to be a no-brainer to me. Ensure you sex up your project details to sound like a possible consulting case-study and/or solution. This will give you plenty to discuss at the 1st interview.

 

Further details (e.g. prizes etc).
It's very easy to lie and get away with it. You could state that you were a member of some team or other. It should be relatively easy to get your friend from secondary school/uni to vouch for you.
If your moral values dictate that lying is wrong, then believe me, you're entering the wrong profession. Some Principal Consultants I've worked with are masters in the art of deception. I even know one consultant who has claimed to beaten a few lie detectors. Honesty is the best policy if you're a nun. If you're a consultant, honesty won't help when it's time for your annual review.

Employment History.
I know a few people that have lied about working for certain organisations, when they hadn't. That's the wrong approach. if you've been employed by any multinational firm (or a well known firm in a specific sector) then you simply dress up your role and responsibilities. It's amazing how easily one can get away with claiming they were leading teams and bringing about change. I've witnessed it many times and as far as I'm aware a large number of organisations won't check your claims.

However, this comes with a caveat. You must be able to speak knowledgeably about your alleged role. You may be asked about the challenges you faced, what you did well/ not so well and what you would have done differently. These must all be realistic. The best way to ensure you answer questions with conviction is to speak to someone in the role you claimed was yours. Ask them question about their role and responsibilities. In addition to this, you should also research the role as much as possible. Visit professional forums, visit graduate centric forums. They usually contain a wealth of useful information.

Competency Questions.
The dreaded competency questions. There are far too many variations for me to analyse but in my experience the competency questions are usually centred around a supposed "ethos" or "vision" of the organisation. The competency questions simply aim to determine whether you can fit the mould of what a "perfect" employee would be like.

The "core competencies" an organisation is looking for is usually plastered all over their website, especially in the graduate recruitment section. All you need to do is be aware of these competencies and tailor your answers to show how you display these competencies.

For example:
Question: Describe a time you have shown initiative.

Competency: Self-starter

What they mean: You're going to have masses of work to do. Don't hassle people with it. Just do it.

Question: Describe a time you've worked to a deadline.

Competency: Works efficiently in potentially difficult circumstances.

What they mean: You're going to have masses of work to do. We don't want to hear complaints. Just do it. And do it well, otherwise your arse is toast.

Question: Describe a time when you had to deal with a difficult team member.

Competency: Handles difficult people

What they mean: We have narcissistic, egotistical maniacs working for us. They are wankers. You have no option but to deal with the shit they throw and get the work done efficiently.

If you apply these principles with sense and some wit, it's a sure-fire way to be invited to the next round; the interview!

Being the kind soul that I am, and owing to the fact that I'm a "buddy", I volunteered to give a brief presentation at the induction session of the graduate analysts that were starting this week. I decided it would be refreshing to hear a few of the comments/concerns regarding the organisation/role from a fresh perspective.

The following are reasons it would be the first and last time:

• Brown nosers have no place on Earth. There were a number of graduates that had previously been employed as summer interns with a few competitors. They did not fail to bring this up whenever asking me a question or when attempting to cut-off another graduate as they were speaking. I'm praying none of them are staffed on any projects I may be on.
• 
  
• The females resembled Linda Blair during her "troubled" faze in the early 70's. I overheard one graduate saying "I'm sure a couple of lady boys from Thailand look better than some of the talent on show".
• 
  
• The day sessions are glorified brain-washing exercises. The "values" (HA HA HA HA HA!) of the organisation were constantly impressed on the minds of the poor souls in attendance. At one point, the session resembled a corporate reinforcement learning algorithm. Seeing as human minds cannot be programmed (I'm sure the guys at IBM or Microsoft are working on it) this seemed to be the next best thing. During the lunch hour, I overheard a number of graduates incorporating a few of the values into their conversations. Assimilation is almost complete.
  

However, I wish I was present at the induction session of a friend of mine who also started this week. At the start of the second day, the lead facilitator entered the training room and announced to the graduates ...

"Guys, I have to speak to you about something serious (silence). There was a bit of a problem yesterday. When you all left the room at the end of yesterday and I was tidying up, there was a very strong, disgusting smell. I think some of you need to be aware that you are now in a corporate environment, body hygiene is important. You're no longer in uni and you need to wash everyday and wear a clean shirt everyday.
The smell was just disgusting and it's not acceptable in a corporate environment."

These graduates; I wonder where they’re grown!

And so September rolls around again. Along with the new analyst class and their youthful enthusiasm, September also marks the beginning of the recruitment season.

In light of this, the Corporate Whore will be posting a series of guides on how to master the various superficial stages otherwise known as the recruitment process.

First stop, Application forms!