Corporate Whore

"Is it really so bad to sleep around? I'm a man, men are supposed to spread their seed far and wide. I love [my girlfriend] but I see her on average one weekend every 3 weeks. It doesn't help that Joanna is so amazingly hot."



"Valentines stuff?! Not me mate. We're out for drinks tonight. I'm buying. I know that bitch likes a free drink or two. Get her wasted then do as I please. Pictures and video clips are also on the agenda."



"My wife? I couldn't give two shits about her. I know she is probably out to dinner with Mark, a neighbour. Valentines day is all about spoiling your mistress. The wife had years of that. She's too old to enjoy it properly."



"What am I doing this evening? The client is Satan; I'm stuck in the office. I seriously think the wife will be considering divorce now. This is the 4th successive Valentines Day I've cancelled on her. Actually, do you know a good florist that'll deliver in 2 hours?"



"Emma needs a stiff one inside her. I was speaking to her earlier and she says she actually prefers to work as late as possible tonight. She isn’t ugly, so I have no idea where that came from."



"I'd rather have a mountain of chocs than a man on Valentines day. Men are too awkward and are intimidated by me.
It's probably cause you bear a striking resemblance to the woman on the right



"Valentines Day sucks. I might turn gay for a few weeks to confuse everyone."
This is the man countless executives pay serious cash for to advise on their issues. A man with this logic should not be in employment in anything other than the fried chicken shops that litter the east-end of London



"I wish my girlfriend would break up with me. I spend approximately £400 every Valentines day and all I get in return is a lasagne (not even a steak) and a half-arsed blow job."



"I don't care about anything anymore. I'm slowly losing the will to live."

You know what's annoying? Missing another meet up with friends because you're working until 4am, number crunching at 2.47am then looking up to see the porcine like countenance of the person who screwed up adding an extra 8+ hours to your working day.

What's even worse is watching this rotund beast of a woman dig at her nostrils as if she was searching for signs of intelligent life (or some extra chocolate biscuits).

The sight was disgusting. Watching a grown woman not only pick her nose in full view of the team, but remove her pickings and inspect them like a corporate prospector. I expected her to leap in the air proclaiming "I've struck Gold!!!"

 

The most infuriating thing about that ordeal is that I couldn't say a word. Speak up and me admonished or stay silent and feel sick to the stomach. Not wanting to be outdone, I did the next best thing I could think of.

I watched her with glaring eyes; I was transfixed, not once opening my mouth. I watched as she dug furiously, inspected her pickings then continued to dig. This carried on for approximately a minute, when, with a finger in her snout, she looked up and saw me.

I continued to watch her silently. She quickly removed the offending finger, turned a shade of crimson and looked away.

 

 

I hope she felt as embarrassed as I was disgusted.

End of project, time to present findings to the board.

" ... The non-key vertical integrals in the organisational model can be off-shored to reduce operating costs. We'd suggest leveraging the synergies you have with strategic partners in order to further reduce costs ... "

And so it went for approximately 40mins. The board we were presenting to did not interrupt us once. That was when alarm bells began to ring. I noticed them jotting a few notes on paper and looking gravely at our presentation.

As soon as our engagement manager had finished, the CFO, calmly as ever said,

"You know, if I wanted to hear business school buzzwords, I would have bought a few books for our business analysts and asked them to come back in a week informing the board of their shiny new vocab. Don't bullshit us. You will return in 24 hours with the key learnings of this 3 month assignment in plain English. Not some bullshit arty-farty business school crap, real recommendations that can be executed and benefits calculated. I don't care whether you have to work an hour or all night, it will be done. We're not paying you exorbitant sums to receive a presentation which is basically a rip of Porters with a few bits added on and our name stuck on. Now, do YOU have any questions?"

"Erm .."

"Good, get cracking."

With that, the board got up and left. Whilst it was amazing to watch, I'll now be awake until 4am ... again.

Every time I see Facebook mentioned in the news or in a newspaper, even the Metro, I'm astonished. Despite the Microsoft stake and potential value of $15bn, I still consider Facebook to be the website my Uni friends were telling me to join almost 3 years ago. I read all the hype about it's potential to introduce new methods of social communication; however, I remain a sceptic.

It wasn't so long ago that MySpace was king of social networking with users becoming famous from their MySpace hits alone (Arctic Monkeys, Tila Tequila - NSFW etc). I would even go as far as saying that the MySpace "model" was better as it very early on had strong support from music industry heavyweights and artists. However, Facebook provides another medium for communication. Maybe it's the partial Luddite in me that detests new technology, given my degree this would come as a shock to many.

However, one thing I applaud Facebook for is the ability to "e-stalk" various members of the firm. People's inability to grasp the concept of privacy online amazes me. I'm seriously considering creating a nicely formatted deck of the most scandalous pictures I can find and anonymously mailing them to future clients.

I wonder how many directors or CXOs would take you seriously if they had seen pictures of you doing tequila slammers off the stomach of a 19 year old scantily clad waitress. However, a large proportion of the CXOs I’ve come across are rumoured to have deviant sexual practices that would make Bella Donna blush. Come to think of it, that deck might not be such a bad idea after all.

“Facebook, helping consultants and clients bond and promote their perverse behaviour since 2004”

There comes a time in the life of every successful hedge-fund manager when he realizes that his political opinions are seriously undervalued.

For me, that time has been slower in coming than for most. Even after I bought my first jet I thought of myself, politically, as an ordinary American citizen, not some ``thought leader.''

It wasn't until one night, a couple of weeks ago, as I sat alone in my $17 million apartment, that it finally dawned on me: Ordinary people don't have a net worth of $475 million. If my political opinions were as valuable as everything else I've done, it'd be a kind of crime to keep them to myself.

The article made me chuckle whilst waiting on a document from the U.S operation of the client.
Taken from here.

"Do you think God'll forgive us for what we've done?" - John Creasy

"Corporate Whore, you think too much. What have we done? We add value to organisations, we not only ADD value, we find new ways that organisations can increase revenue, reduce costs, improve profitability. The EBIT dude, if that's what they care about, that's what we give 'em. We advise on how to stay competitive. If it weren't for us, thousands of employees would now be unemployed. Shit, we're saviours of the global economy". "Saviours huh?", "that's right, saviours. Without our expert knowledge, insight and grade-A MBA degrees, the economy, the global economy from Hawaii to Hong Kong, would be a shadow of what it is today. Lighten up dude"

"Add value? What we do isn't rocket science my friend. We tell an organisation that's spending too much money on frivolous shit to basically stop spending money. Increase revenue? I'm simplifying but all we say is to increase efficiency or consider a merger with a smaller, but key competitor, it's not rocket science.

What we do is customise known methodologies by adding the firm logo to the deck and changing a few things. We are charged at an obscene daily rate. We take the piss with expenses, I mean your recent trip to Paris with your now ex-girlfriend, how does that help an organisation improve it's EBIT.

I'll tall you what we are, we're con artists. Wiley con artists, with degrees from premier institutions, MBA's from the top business schools, and we're well spoken. The clients we work for don't really understand the full implications of the excrement we spew, as long as it sounds nice and gives them a warm fuzzy feeling. When they do wake up and smell the shit, they'll either blame the consultants or would have been long gone.

We don't add much value. We spend copious amounts of the clients money making ourselves feel good for the fact that we're a bunch of well educated con artists."

"So you planning on quitting?"

"Not really, I was just wondering whether God will forgive us. It's not my money, I'm not forcing anyone to spend anything."