Corporate Whore

"My good man, for some time I've held back from responding to your snide comments and remarks. However, I can no longer contain my words. You’re an annoying c**t. Your staff don’t respect you. A number of them have slept with your wife and I'm certain your daughter has been contacted. The chairman things your nose is so far up his arse you could probably offer a better diagnosis than his doctor regarding the his prostate.
It hasn't been a pleasure analysing your various failings in the business, I do not wish you any good will of any sort. Frankly, if I was notified of your painful and protracted death, a grin bigger than all the cats in Cheshire could muster, would cross my face and remain permanently fixed for at least an hour."
This (ex?) consultant does not work for my brand of pimps, however, we were working with their team on a project.
After that speech he packed his things and left. I'm informed he has not been seen or heard of since. 



"Desktop fellatio machines. The guy that invents that would be a genius. Working til these ungodly hours would be less painful. Once it's 1am, sit down at your desk and switch on the fellatio machine. BJ while you work. It would relieve a lot of stress and tension"



"It's almost 3am, this is the 7th revision. Seriously, no joke, kill me now"



"How many flow charts would it take to create a tiger", swiftly followed by "Sean, Your mum looks like Homer Simpson"
Proclaimed @ 3.30am. The colleague in question has since professed temporary insanity



"If you put Charles in a dress, do you think he would look like Dame Edna?"



"
Nick: His wife, or if I was feeling adventurous, his daughter, or both!

Stefan: You know his daughter turned 16 yesterday?

Nick: So what's your point? She's still legal
"
Nick discussing his preference over a colleague's wife or daughter for some extra-curricular activities.
We're still in shock.

"I don't like to wash my hands after using the toilet, they never dry properly and I hate having damp hands"



"I'm not in the mood for ethnic food, fish and chips will do me fine"



"Mate, don't worry about it. If I were in your shoes, I would have taken advantage of her too. In fact, all you did was kiss. I probably would have taken it further. She's smoking hot. You're a good guy"

Do you have any advice for me, I'll be taking the McKinsey online test in [time frame]

This question is usually preceded by, "Great blog", "hilarious stuff" or a similar derivative.
Some readers have suggested that some of the language used on the blog indicates that I'm a McKinsey employee. I'd rather not answer either way. Owing to some of the stories posted, my anonymity is crucial. Not only for my sake, but also for those who are featured in a few of the blog entries.

The only advice I can give (and this should not be taken as indicating that I am a McKinsey employee as I sat a number of tests for a few strategy firms) is the test is not as difficult as you would imagine. If you have a 1st or even a 2:1 from any numerate degree, you'll do well.



Do you have any sample Mckinsey PST's?

In a word ... no.



Do you work for [firm name]? Some of the stories sound very familiar.

See answer to Q1. These stories sound familiar because people are everywhere. I'm guessing you also work in a (relatively) stressful environment with amazingly intelligent people, over-achievers and A-grade go-getters. A few people that I've spoken to about my experiences were not surprised. It would seem that the environment we work in is conducive to a certain type of behaviour in various individuals.



Are you male/female?

I don't understand why I get asked this question. One person asking can (I assume) be reasoned. However, when I get over 20 e-mails that question my gender, I become somewhat perturbed. I would have thought reading through posts of HR Beauty and my general tone it would have been clear?! I guess not.
Note to self: You're a consultant, you don't make things very clear when you're being paid, why should that change on a blog?



Why don't you talk about relevant consulting issues?

There are many, many, many blogs that discuss consulting/business issues. I do not wish this blog to be in that band.
Kudos to the blogs that discuss issues less frivolous than superiors emptying the contents of their nasal passages or dissecting the actions of drunken colleagues at Christmas themed functions. Those blogs do a great job, probably better than I could do. However, I write for those people that wish to unwind after spending 10+ hours in the office/client site. I know I'd prefer to read a humorous story that I could relate to than an analysis of another case study.
Unless of course you prefer to unwind by analysing case studies, each to their own.



If you have any additional questions, I can be contacted @ corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com