Corporate Whore

So many interns, so little time. Thank God for HR and all the intern social events that are being held over the next 10 weeks. We're all encouraged to attend to ensure they gain from our knowledge and expertise. The instruction I'll be providing the interns won't be covered in any undergrad/MBA classes.


The great thing about having interns is that every year we get a group of bright eyed eager-to-please individuals that will, for the most part, be sociable and won't oblige to the odd drink or ten, especially when its at the expense of the company. I'm not suggesting my game plan is to ply them with drinks and let the juices flow, however, anecdotal evidence leads me to believe interns are more receptive to requests once their thirst has been suitably quenched.


I not only plan to quench thirsts, I'll make sure they remain permanently wet for the next 10 weeks.

My take on the picture that has been doing the rounds on sites and blogs the past 10 days or so. In light of this, this and this, I thought this picture would be more relevant. Strictly speaking, I'm not sure whether Richard Ford was a lawyer, but I'm a consultant and am never 100% straight with the facts.

I don't know many bankers that have jumped to their deaths (not even this prat who believes a scrawled message on his dusty bonnet by the river is enough to convince the FBI of his death), but can recall a number of lawyers. I also know many lawyers who wished for death at one point or another on the path to glorified document admin. Is this insensitive? Yes it is, sue me ... oh wait, lawyers are becoming increasingly seem to be unavailable.

A very senior client employee that is golf buddies with a partner at your firm emerges from a toilet cubicle after moving his bowels as you walk in and immediately proceeds to shake your hand?
Corporate Whore response: Smile, until you realise he wants to shake your hand. Begin coughing profusely then walk out of the toilet.



A female partner has whispered suggestive comments about the possibility of you and her performing carnal gymnastics? Said female partner is married without kids and has a reputation for being tough as nails.
Corporate Whore response: Whisper back "Gymnastics eh?! How flexible are you and what positions are you willing to consider"



Your dragon of an engagement manager is about to walk into a client meeting with lipstick and spinach on her teeth. Do you inform her or let her be humiliated?
Corporate Whore response: Humiliation all the way. The client team spend most of the meeting in suppressed fits of giggles. The engagement manager is becoming increasingly frustrated, just as a member of the client team motions to signal the object of their laughter, a brave analyst speaks up and informs the EM.



You've been caught out by a partner for coding profanity into the decks you create? -
Corporate Whore response: Inform the partner you have no knowledge of the profanity. However, you will take greater care in monitoring the work of the analysts.



You accidentally send an e-mail to the client deriding the firm, your colleagues, the client, the engagement manager and virtually everybody you've come into contact with since you began the project?
Corporate Whore response: Lay the blame with I.T and claim you were nowhere near your laptop when the mail was sent. You know I.T have access to the mail server and this may be the work of a disgruntled (former) employee.



You meet a senior manager at an obscure bar when you've both called in sick?
Corporate Whore response: Attempt to ignore him. Then wonder why he's in a bar at 1.30pm. Curiosity takes over and you ask him whether he's having a liquid lunch with a client or whether he's a closet alcoholic. He responds the latter, so you proceed to get drunk with him till the early hours of the morning.



You get caught in a very compromising situation with HR Beauty by a security guard?
Corporate Whore response: Ask the guard to return in 10 minutes as you're clearly busy.


Answers on a post-card to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or you can leave a comment below.

A very senior client employee that is golf buddies with a partner at your firm emerges from a toilet cubicle after moving his bowels as you walk in and immediately proceeds to shake your hand?



A female partner has whispered suggestive comments about the possibility of you and her performing carnal gymnastics? Said female partner is married without kids and has a reputation for being tough as nails.



Your dragon of an engagement manager is about to walk into a client meeting with lipstick and spinach on her teeth. Do you inform her or let her be humiliated?



You've been caught out by a partner for coding profanity into the decks you create? -



You accidentally send an e-mail to the client deriding the firm, your colleagues, the client, the engagement manager and virtually everybody you've come into contact with since you began the project?



You meet a senior manager at an obscure bar when you've both called in sick?



You get caught in a very compromising situation with HR Beauty by a security guard?



Answers on a post-card to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or you can leave a comment below.

Using your I.D card to swipe through the barrier on the underground, glancing at your card then attempting to swipe through a second time before realising it’s not an oyster card and feeling foolish.



Having the following conversation with a friend after a long day.
"Look, let's analyse this. Your core competency is your wit and carefree attitude. You should be using this as leverage in your cause to find a woman. You can also maximise on synergies with Richard and Drew ...". Drew and Richard were branded the 'uglies' of the group.



Giving a quick breakdown of how your dry cleaner could increase his profitability if he stayed open an extra 90 minutes each day.



Leaving the office to go home at 5pm on a Friday and being shocked that it's packed. It's usually a lot emptier at 9.



Having listened to a voicemail from an acquaintance that details a number of problems they are facing, you e-mail them with a deck a few days later that breaks down the problem (or your perception of what the problem is) and possible avenues to remedy the situation. There is no body in the e-mail except "please ignore spelling/grammatical mistakes. Will present to you soon"



Not seeing a flatmate for over 3 weeks, when you reside in a 2 bedroom flat.



Being able to recite the names of all the hotel restaurant staff and not knowing the names of your 5 closest (by distance) neighbours.



Knowing the schedule of the janitorial staff at the client site.



Slowly beginning to consider the possibility that maybe the world is composed of Type-A, overachieving, backstabbing wankers.



And the number one sign it's time to take a holiday.

Not only having, but believing a fleeting thought that all your hard work might be the key to a significant change in the industry you're working in. Thinking that this is THE project that will utilise your accumulated industry/sector insights; magnifying them brighter than a Type II supernova. Giving you a God-like status amongst the mere mortals in the business world.