Corporate Whore

A little help for interns struggling in the corporate world.

• Don't let anyone but another trusted intern hear this, this or even these(should you wish to utter something similar).

• Don't stare slack jawed at your monitor and take 3 hours to do a 30 minute job. If you need help, ask. We don't all bite. Caveat being unless you're a pretty female we're trying to bed and you ask us to.

• Don't let anyone but other interns hear you're true feelings of the job. We think it's shit too, no need to shove it in our faces. Whilst you may be using the internship as a talking point for future applications etc, this is our day job and we can't escape from this living hell.

• Arse kissing gets you far. We can spot it a mile off, but a few of us revel in how much arse you kiss. Personally, I detest it and if you're clever enough to decipher my identity, don't do it, lest you want me to mock you in front of other interns and colleagues.

• Don't take shit. To a certain degree, we throw it to determine your resilience. If your biggest job of the day is to tack up roadmaps of the project/deliverables, flag this up to someone. Whilst we appreciate you're mostly a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be, being in the midst of demi-strat-consultant-Gods?), don't take too much shit from us.

• Don't be a cocky wanker. Knowing when to take shit and when to throw it back is one of the biggest lessons you will learn on your internship. The probability of an offer being extended is directly related to how quickly you pick this up.

• DO NOT sit in the meeting room watching Youtube videos whilst attempting to stifle laughter, especially when we're on a conference call. We aren't stupid (see demi-God comment above), we've mastered the act of looking busy. Do not try to con the con-men, you will get burnt.

• Don't come into work late and hung over from intern social activities the night before then attempt to lie about it. Who do you think you're dealing with? We're CON-sultants remember? We've pulled that shit waaaay better than you over a thousand times.

• Don't pull out you iPhone and think you're a hotshot. If you pull up to work in a Bugatti Veyron, you're a hotshot. If you pull out an iPhone, you look like the 20 million other people in the world with one. How many Veyrons have you seen recently?

• Don't take personal calls in the meeting room where we work. Especially from your mother chastising you for not tidying your room.

Following this advise will put you in good stead when it comes to round-table reviews regarding who should be hired.

Inebriated Intern Quotes

Bankers?!! Fuck the bankers? Consultants?! You rock!! Actually, I'd like to fcuk the consultants too!


Nah, I don't like condoms, they make my dick too oily. Don't really worry about AIDS, we're strat consultants, we CAN'T get AIDS.


[Corporate Whore] is a hotty. I haven't heard any gossip about him. I bet he's gay!
I most certainly am not!


Are you crazy? Hell yeah, I'd let her tie me up, hose me down and spank me till her arms fall off. She is the biggest MILF I've ever seen.


My grades weren't so great for GCSE & A'Level. For about 3 years, I used to hear voices in my head, they told me to do stuff. Not anything crazy, like butchering people to death, just normal stuff like I needed to make sure the bed was made and stuff.


I have no morals. I'll sleep with anyone I can, male or female, to get to the top. Once I get there, I'll expose all my revious lovers.


I wonder if we have a limit on what we can expense.
Over £90,000 later and I wonder the same thing.


I wonder whether [mildly attractive intern] would let me do her up the dirt track?


Nepotism. Straight up, I'm not gonna lie to you and pretend I'm the dogs. Nepotism worked heavily in my favour when interviewing for the job.



Corporate Whore, proving why alcohol is bad for those under 23.

Still recovering from the antics of last week (week 3). Details should be up by the end of this week.

Click the picture for clearer text.


Original picture taken from WallStreetFighter

After reading the tales of my Corporate Whoring for over a year, I decided it would be good to inject a little diversity to the blog (do you expect anything less? I tell clients to diversify their portfolios and value propositions on at least 40% of cases I work on).

I've decided to bring a fellow consultant on board. I would say she's the female version of myself, but I'm yet to deduce whether she sleeps with HR personnel or grossly abuses her expense account. Hopefully, over the course of the coming weeks, I (we) will find out. Introducing the Strat Whore …



The interview from hell: Final interview/assessment for consulant positions, 6 points to note for future whore candidates:


1. Partner interview often consists of 40:60
40% of the interview the partner will talk about him/her self, where they have come from, how they got to where they are, how amazing they believe them selves to be and so on. 60% boring competency questions that you will already know your answers to backwards! The former 40% is your opportunity to look in awe and admiration at your potential pimp (The up their own ass, corporate prick that even when interviewing can’t help but wank their ego). You may wish you could walk out and tell them where to stick the job - but use this as your first opportunity to suck-up, look inspired and impressed by their bull shit, let them know how interesting they are and how you could only hope to be a good pimp like them one day.


2. Sell your body and mind
You may get the crazy unconventional partner who makes his own rules - instead of asking the recommended HR 'don’t get us sued pc questions'. He will attempt an interview loosely based on all the worst parts of the apprentice interview regime. Fuck The Apprentice and AMS for giving the bastards ideas! You will now have to perform for the pleasure of the pimp - who will sit back and enjoy as you sweat, squirm and generally wish you were anywhere else. He will say things like: "Sell your self to me in 1 min", "What are you like on a team night out", "Who do you most respect and why", "If I was a client how far would you go to impress me"....

These questions are ridiculous and should not warrant an answer but as the pimp is in the position of power you will do your best to please him! So dance monkey, dance and make sure its exotic enough to sustain the appetite of a jaded pimp!


3. Be nice to HR
The HR bitches have a lot of say on the day, they are the ones who are really in control, they know what rooms you have to go to and when, they know where the loo is, they will be assessing your psychometric bullshit and informing the partners of your results, they know how to fuck you up so be warned - kiss ass!


4. The power of female sex
If the partner is one of the many creepy, old, pervy men that are commonplace in the consultancy industry then play the game! A little flirting goes a long way; it entertains the partner through the boring interviews and makes you a more desirable candidate. Just a little is all that is required. You do not have to continue this charade once your hired!


5. G.A.Y Rules!
Boys, if the partner is obviously G.A.Y then the same applies to you, forget your macho 'I'm a straight red blooded man' BS and bat your eyelids and if possible bend over and pick up your pen that you have 'accidentally' dropped on the floor at the end of the interview as you exit the room - gay men don’t need subtle! You do not have to continue this charade once you’re hired!


6. And Don’t say any of these...
Like your tie,
I'm only 24,
I'm only here coz I shagged a colleague/boss,
I'm only here coz I hate my boss,
I'm still drunk from last night,
I don’t shag around,
I'm a Mormon,
I do a lot for charity,
I value work/life balance,
You’re are a tosser!



Whores! Got any more advice to add to this list, please feel free..

The first week of an internship (the first week of proper* work, as opposed to training) is always a joyous occasion. The undergraduate interns attempt to size each other up and out-drink each other at company sponsored events. The MBA interns also size each other up, however, they are slightly more refined in their alcohol consumption.



Fortunately, I was in-between projects last week and was able to enjoy the festivities in full. Enter Buxom Brunette Becky. The Buxom Brunette bore more than a striking resemblance to the naughty school girls seen on the X-rated channels available to road warriors in all good hotel establishments. I entered the reserved area of the establishment and wasted no time in introducing myself. The Buxom Brunette was a Economics graduate at Oxbridge but hated her degree and had plans on setting up a number of computer centres in West Africa. I asked her what attracted her to the big bad world of strategy consulting. I imagined her looking me in the eyes, then softly whispering "I know who you are, I read your blog all the time. You're a bad motherf*cker and I applied to meet you in flesh and do me in a client office". I awoke from my daze to catch the remnants of what sounded like the bullshit answers we all give when being asked "why strategy consulting". I think I heard her mention using learning and using her improved knowledge to help organisational challenges. I chuckled silently.

It must not have been as silent as I had hoped because she asked me why I was laughing. I responded by telling her that I'd heard a 100 versions of the answer she had just given. I then challenged her to give the real reason for choosing strategy. Instead of backing down or reaffirming her commitment to consulting (as I expected), she paused and said "well, I've heard you consultants don't do much. It seems to be a load of PowerPoint, plagiarism of business models and inventing fanciful names to cover exorbitant expense accounts. Yet, you seem to earn a fair sum for your efforts and the exit opportunities aren't so bad. I wanted to steer clear of the banking and finance nerds, so I thought I'd check out this gig you've got going on."
I was smitten. Her response lit a fire inside me. I knew I had to develop a carnal knowledge of the Buxom Brunette. I ignored the other interns for the rest of the evening and focused on presenting myself in a positive light to her.



As fate would have it, she didn't live too far from me (well, we're approximately 8 miles apart at opposing ends of London, but that wasn't the time for semantics) and we shared a cab. Being the gentleman that I am, I insisted that she be dropped off first, to ensure her safety and such. HA! When we arrived at her place, I decided to try my luck and invited myself round for a nightcap. Surprisingly, she accepted without argument.



As for the rest of the evening, well, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, but I assure you I received a lot of knowledge from the Buxom Brunette.

* As proper as it can be for a consultant

It's interesting to note that a woman exists at the pivotal point when the any semblance of the original message is transformed to something unrelated. 'Excel - Woman - Sell' and 'Bye - Woman - Buy'.

Coincidence?
The artist subtly implying women are the single point of failure in the markets?
Reading to much into a picture after a late night wooing a few interns?


Thoughts on a postcard to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or leave a comment below.


Image taken from : www.howardlindzon.com