New Recruits
Being the kind soul that I am, and owing to the fact that I'm a "buddy", I volunteered to give a brief presentation at the induction session of the graduate analysts that were starting this week. I decided it would be refreshing to hear a few of the comments/concerns regarding the organisation/role from a fresh perspective.
The following are reasons it would be the first and last time:
- Brown nosers have no place on Earth. There were a number of graduates that had previously been employed as summer interns with a few competitors. They did not fail to bring this up whenever asking me a question or when attempting to cut-off another graduate as they were speaking. I'm praying none of them are staffed on any projects I may be on.
- The females resembled Linda Blair during her "troubled" faze in the early 70's. I overheard one graduate saying "I'm sure a couple of lady boys from Thailand look better than some of the talent on show".
- The day sessions are glorified brain-washing exercises. The "values" (HA HA HA HA HA!) of the organisation were constantly impressed on the minds of the poor souls in attendance. At one point, the session resembled a corporate reinforcement learning algorithm. Seeing as human minds cannot be programmed (I'm sure the guys at IBM or Microsoft are working on it) this seemed to be the next best thing. During the lunch hour, I overheard a number of graduates incorporating a few of the values into their conversations. Assimilation is almost complete.
However, I wish I was present at the induction session of a friend of mine who also started this week. At the start of the second day, the lead facilitator entered the training room and announced to the graduates ...
"Guys, I have to speak to you about something serious (silence). There was a bit of a problem yesterday. When you all left the room at the end of yesterday and I was tidying up, there was a very strong, disgusting smell. I think some of you need to be aware that you are now in a corporate environment, body hygiene is important. You're no longer in uni and you need to wash everyday and wear a clean shirt everyday.
The smell was just disgusting and it's not acceptable in a corporate environment."
These graduates; I wonder where they’re grown!
And they think no-one has sussed out what they're doing.
It's quite funny really. (Comment this)
At 22 that was nerve wracking; however I managed to simultaneously say very little but enough to convince those in attendance I was knowledgeable. (Comment this)
1. Sound of people biting their nails
2. Strong food smells that permeates around the office
3. Spraying perfume and being drenched/overpowering aftershave
4. Vomit coloured pillars
5. When someone's listening to their iPod and then banging to the rhythm on their desk
6. Flicking pens
7. People lurking behind your back without saying anything
8. Colleagues clipping their toenails and throwing the shavings into their bins
9. Cracking knuckles
10. People who moan about being irritated by others
11. Painting nails in the office...it stinks
I asked people to comment on their most annoying irritation. Here is a funny one:
"Yes, mobile ring tones are right up there. The last refuge of the attention-seeker. "Look at me - I have a witty and/or ironic theme from some long-forgotten game-show or 80s pop song as my ring tone. Therefore I have a personality."
To hear these tinny reproductions once, down the pub with mates, might, just might, still raise a half-hearted smile. But when some imbecile sitting over the way from you has it set as their ring tone and, worse, habitually leaves the damn thing sitting on their desk while they go to meetings, it's hard to smile.
There are a couple on our floor, one of which sounds like the soundtrack to a porn film being piped through the one remaining functioning speaker in a Dalston kebab shop."
There are quite a few more funny ones, but let this be a lesson to us all!
(Comment this)
1. Sound of people biting their nails
2. Strong food smells that permeates around the office
3. Spraying perfume and being drenched/overpowering aftershave
4. Vomit coloured pillars
5. When someone's listening to their iPod and then banging to the rhythm on their desk
6. Flicking pens
7. People lurking behind your back without saying anything
8. Colleagues clipping their toenails and throwing the shavings into their bins
9. Cracking knuckles
10. People who moan about being irritated by others
11. Painting nails in the office...it stinks
I asked people to comment on their most annoying irritation. Here is a funny one:
"Yes, mobile ring tones are right up there. The last refuge of the attention-seeker. "Look at me - I have a witty and/or ironic theme from some long-forgotten game-show or 80s pop song as my ring tone. Therefore I have a personality."
To hear these tinny reproductions once, down the pub with mates, might, just might, still raise a half-hearted smile. But when some imbecile sitting over the way from you has it set as their ring tone and, worse, habitually leaves the damn thing sitting on their desk while they go to meetings, it's hard to smile.
There are a couple on our floor, one of which sounds like the soundtrack to a porn film being piped through the one remaining functioning speaker in a Dalston kebab shop."
There are quite a few more funny ones, but let this be a lesson to us all!
(Comment this)
Number 8 is simply disgusting. Whoever does that should be fired. (Comment this)