Corporate Whore

A little help for interns struggling in the corporate world.

• Don't let anyone but another trusted intern hear this, this or even these(should you wish to utter something similar).

• Don't stare slack jawed at your monitor and take 3 hours to do a 30 minute job. If you need help, ask. We don't all bite. Caveat being unless you're a pretty female we're trying to bed and you ask us to.

• Don't let anyone but other interns hear you're true feelings of the job. We think it's shit too, no need to shove it in our faces. Whilst you may be using the internship as a talking point for future applications etc, this is our day job and we can't escape from this living hell.

• Arse kissing gets you far. We can spot it a mile off, but a few of us revel in how much arse you kiss. Personally, I detest it and if you're clever enough to decipher my identity, don't do it, lest you want me to mock you in front of other interns and colleagues.

• Don't take shit. To a certain degree, we throw it to determine your resilience. If your biggest job of the day is to tack up roadmaps of the project/deliverables, flag this up to someone. Whilst we appreciate you're mostly a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be, being in the midst of demi-strat-consultant-Gods?), don't take too much shit from us.

• Don't be a cocky wanker. Knowing when to take shit and when to throw it back is one of the biggest lessons you will learn on your internship. The probability of an offer being extended is directly related to how quickly you pick this up.

• DO NOT sit in the meeting room watching Youtube videos whilst attempting to stifle laughter, especially when we're on a conference call. We aren't stupid (see demi-God comment above), we've mastered the act of looking busy. Do not try to con the con-men, you will get burnt.

• Don't come into work late and hung over from intern social activities the night before then attempt to lie about it. Who do you think you're dealing with? We're CON-sultants remember? We've pulled that shit waaaay better than you over a thousand times.

• Don't pull out you iPhone and think you're a hotshot. If you pull up to work in a Bugatti Veyron, you're a hotshot. If you pull out an iPhone, you look like the 20 million other people in the world with one. How many Veyrons have you seen recently?

• Don't take personal calls in the meeting room where we work. Especially from your mother chastising you for not tidying your room.

Following this advise will put you in good stead when it comes to round-table reviews regarding who should be hired.

Click the picture for clearer text.


Original picture taken from WallStreetFighter

It's interesting to note that a woman exists at the pivotal point when the any semblance of the original message is transformed to something unrelated. 'Excel - Woman - Sell' and 'Bye - Woman - Buy'.

Coincidence?
The artist subtly implying women are the single point of failure in the markets?
Reading to much into a picture after a late night wooing a few interns?


Thoughts on a postcard to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or leave a comment below.


Image taken from : www.howardlindzon.com

My take on the picture that has been doing the rounds on sites and blogs the past 10 days or so. In light of this, this and this, I thought this picture would be more relevant. Strictly speaking, I'm not sure whether Richard Ford was a lawyer, but I'm a consultant and am never 100% straight with the facts.

I don't know many bankers that have jumped to their deaths (not even this prat who believes a scrawled message on his dusty bonnet by the river is enough to convince the FBI of his death), but can recall a number of lawyers. I also know many lawyers who wished for death at one point or another on the path to glorified document admin. Is this insensitive? Yes it is, sue me ... oh wait, lawyers are becoming increasingly seem to be unavailable.

The following (available here) is an interesting post over at WallStreetOasis:

"
"

Mine would be:

• Total number of billable hours expensed to various clients

• Total number of those hours I was actually working.

• Of those hours I was working, how many hours/minutes was I being mentally challenged.

• How much time I spent thinking about sleeping with a client/colleague/random client employee

• How many times I actually slept with any of the above (Greater than 1, less than 20)

• How many times I've caught a colleage receiving carnal knowledge from a partner who is not their significant other.
  

• Percentage of clients that actually realise the projected cost savings/revenue growth/market share etc based on our "strategic advice" (I estimate fewer than half of the figure recited by partners and senior managers)
  

• Number of Senior Managers that have carnal knowledge of a partner's significant other

• Percentage of total expenses to date that are legitimate (I estimate between 30-45%)

• Number of times I've received a blank stare at a bar when telling females I'm a strategy consultant, vs. number of times my (finance related) colleagues receive a smile when they mention they're in banking/finance.
  

I could continue ...

What stats would you like to know about your life?

In order to maintain my sanity in the high pressure and oft manic environment in which I am employed, I meet up with a few non-work friends at least once every three weeks or so (owing to our various highly stressful career choices, meeting more frequently is not possible).

We recently decided to convene in a bar not far from Old Street. Co-incidentally, my friend's colleague and good friend (let's call him Neil) was at the same bar. We invited him and a few of his cohorts to join us. The evening was going well, we'd ordered a few drinks, complained about our respective roles (including 2 Investment Bankers worried about job security, another consultant protesting his incessant travelling to regions of the UK that time forgot) and bemoaned our current situations, longing for a return to the relatively carefree life at Uni, all interspersed with various jibes and good-natured taunts.

 
After a few hours (and a few of Neil's group had left) there were only a handful of us left and the tone had quietened somewhat. The conversation (naturally?) turned to sex and details of our latest conquests (I, being the gentleman that I am omitted details of my continued dealings with HR Beauty). There was the usual bravado regarding the speed with which women would fall at our feet and the "servicing" we gave them at our respective residences. It was at this point that Neil leant in and said, "The weirdest thing happened to me a few weeks back. I was with this girl that I've been seeing for a few months. I'd been out drinking with some friends, but arranged to stay at her place for the night. I wasn't wasted, but far from sober. I got back to hers and started going at it. However, this is where it gets weird, almost immediately; all I could thing of was finance". I gave him a look of disbelief and said "how do you mean, finance?” He said, "You know, finance, EBITDA, DCF, valuations, models, Excel. It totally put me off".

We roared with laughter. Realising he wouldn't be getting words of comfort/sympathy from us, he tried to save face. "I've been working crazy hours on my new project. It's an FS project and I've had to pick up the concepts lightening quick".

The excuse was inadequate. A friend of mine retorted "Bullshit mate, we're you even able to keep it up? Excel sheets, models and EBITDA aren't the kind of things that get me aroused or keep my little soldier awake".

What followed was over in half a second, but that was long enough to recognize it. Neil paused. His next words were drowned in our laughter. He tried his best to deny any hints that his manhood could fail him because of EBITDA figures, but we weren't buying it.

 

Neil is now known as "floppy EBIT".

Every time I see Facebook mentioned in the news or in a newspaper, even the Metro, I'm astonished. Despite the Microsoft stake and potential value of $15bn, I still consider Facebook to be the website my Uni friends were telling me to join almost 3 years ago. I read all the hype about it's potential to introduce new methods of social communication; however, I remain a sceptic.

It wasn't so long ago that MySpace was king of social networking with users becoming famous from their MySpace hits alone (Arctic Monkeys, Tila Tequila - NSFW etc). I would even go as far as saying that the MySpace "model" was better as it very early on had strong support from music industry heavyweights and artists. However, Facebook provides another medium for communication. Maybe it's the partial Luddite in me that detests new technology, given my degree this would come as a shock to many.

However, one thing I applaud Facebook for is the ability to "e-stalk" various members of the firm. People's inability to grasp the concept of privacy online amazes me. I'm seriously considering creating a nicely formatted deck of the most scandalous pictures I can find and anonymously mailing them to future clients.

I wonder how many directors or CXOs would take you seriously if they had seen pictures of you doing tequila slammers off the stomach of a 19 year old scantily clad waitress. However, a large proportion of the CXOs I’ve come across are rumoured to have deviant sexual practices that would make Bella Donna blush. Come to think of it, that deck might not be such a bad idea after all.

“Facebook, helping consultants and clients bond and promote their perverse behaviour since 2004”

There comes a time in the life of every successful hedge-fund manager when he realizes that his political opinions are seriously undervalued.

For me, that time has been slower in coming than for most. Even after I bought my first jet I thought of myself, politically, as an ordinary American citizen, not some ``thought leader.''

It wasn't until one night, a couple of weeks ago, as I sat alone in my $17 million apartment, that it finally dawned on me: Ordinary people don't have a net worth of $475 million. If my political opinions were as valuable as everything else I've done, it'd be a kind of crime to keep them to myself.

The article made me chuckle whilst waiting on a document from the U.S operation of the client.
Taken from here.

"Do you think God'll forgive us for what we've done?" - John Creasy

"Corporate Whore, you think too much. What have we done? We add value to organisations, we not only ADD value, we find new ways that organisations can increase revenue, reduce costs, improve profitability. The EBIT dude, if that's what they care about, that's what we give 'em. We advise on how to stay competitive. If it weren't for us, thousands of employees would now be unemployed. Shit, we're saviours of the global economy". "Saviours huh?", "that's right, saviours. Without our expert knowledge, insight and grade-A MBA degrees, the economy, the global economy from Hawaii to Hong Kong, would be a shadow of what it is today. Lighten up dude"

"Add value? What we do isn't rocket science my friend. We tell an organisation that's spending too much money on frivolous shit to basically stop spending money. Increase revenue? I'm simplifying but all we say is to increase efficiency or consider a merger with a smaller, but key competitor, it's not rocket science.

What we do is customise known methodologies by adding the firm logo to the deck and changing a few things. We are charged at an obscene daily rate. We take the piss with expenses, I mean your recent trip to Paris with your now ex-girlfriend, how does that help an organisation improve it's EBIT.

I'll tall you what we are, we're con artists. Wiley con artists, with degrees from premier institutions, MBA's from the top business schools, and we're well spoken. The clients we work for don't really understand the full implications of the excrement we spew, as long as it sounds nice and gives them a warm fuzzy feeling. When they do wake up and smell the shit, they'll either blame the consultants or would have been long gone.

We don't add much value. We spend copious amounts of the clients money making ourselves feel good for the fact that we're a bunch of well educated con artists."

"So you planning on quitting?"

"Not really, I was just wondering whether God will forgive us. It's not my money, I'm not forcing anyone to spend anything."

Overheard in the corridor, I kid you not.


Partner: It's not usually my style, but my daughter has me convinced it's "cool"

Associate: Who's the artist? Have we advised them? [Them being the label]

Partner: A group called Soldier Boy.

Associate: Never heard of them.


This is Soulja Boy. The partners at this firm seem to be smoking something different to the rest of us.^*

^* I don’t smoke. Anything