Corporate Whore

The Corporate Whore is still alive; however, a change of moniker is in order!

The following is a post I begun, meaning to chronicle Summer 2008. A series of fortunate and not so fortunate events meant that I was unable to continue with the update, until now. I conclude the post with a summary of what has happened since the post was written.

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A series of very fortunate events … Introducing Horny Harriet

Summer ‘08 shall be chronicled as a three part series.

The third week of the summer intern hunt began as innocuously as any other week. There were presentation sessions organised for a few of the interns, this was followed by a mid-week networking session (read: Intern piss-up) and the usual Friday drinks; it had been a fairly mundane week.

Being the affable and easy-going chap that I am, I decided to get to know a few of the interns and offer my unique insight into the world of strategy consulting (and perform full reconnaissance on the female interns without being too conspicuous). I was introduced to an intern who I’ll call Horny Harriet. From the outset she (Horny Harriet) appeared to be the typical intern hired by our firm, she studied at a prestigious university, had been the captain, president and chair of various clubs and societies, on top of some amazing charitable work. I didn’t spend an excessive amount of time with her as I had a mission to complete. I was introduced to and had conversations with the majority of interns. I had previously ruled out any advances that could have occurred, as I was on a purely recon mission and devise my plan of attack during the next week.

As I was preparing my exit, Horny Harriet approached me and we struck up a conversation. From the outset I could tell where this conversation was headed. She began by asking me what was the worst thing an employee had done to get fired (well, these people haven’t been fired yet, so it can’t be so bad) and whether I had some close to any these offences. I gave a knowing smile and replied that I’m generally a good boy. She chuckled then said “It’s good to hear that you’re a good boy, especially when the client is footing the bill. Good boys seem to be the norm at uni but sometimes a girl just wants the experience of something that deviates from that norm”. From then on it was game on, I knew score. We arranged to leave separately, she would make her excuses and I would follow her 20 minutes later.

I arrived at her flat and we were at it almost immediately. With large quantities of alcohol coursing through our veins, we skipped the niceties and banter that is so often de rigueur with first night relations. We were approaching the big dance when she paused and whispered to me “Would you like to someone else to be involved, another girl?” I tried to maintain a semblance of calm, however, I can imagine that I didn’t succeed as she began to laugh. My reaction must have been enough for her as she began to make a few calls. She made approximately eight calls with none of them bearing fruit. “Oh well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be” she said. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass me by. I, like most men (I assume), like to believe we think with our minds and not our sexual devices. At this point, I’d like to think it was a combination of the alcohol and the possibility of a ménage a trois that led me to suggest HR Beauty as a possible partner. Far from being wary at the prospect of an unknown entering the equation, she was jubilant. I called HR Beauty - she had been out with friends and was also highly intoxicated - and invited her to join me at a party. To cut a long story short, HR Beauty was initially shocked, but ultimately agreed to the proposal. Conversing with Horny Harriet was certainly the best investment I had made in a long time!
“

• HR Beauty gabbled like a goose to a few of her HR friends about the events of that night, omitting her activities and wildly exaggerating mine.
• Word soon spread like wildfire. The once spotless Corporate Whore and been thrown into a tar pit.
• Around this time, I was fortunate enough to work on a project where I had the chance to meet a number of prominent Arabian financiers.
• I managed to sufficiently impress and was offered a job.
• I accepted and handed in my notice the next day.
• Within 48 hours, I was on a flight to one of the GCC states.
• I spent my garden leave making the necessary preparations.
• I began my new role early in the autumn.

The first week of an internship (the first week of proper* work, as opposed to training) is always a joyous occasion. The undergraduate interns attempt to size each other up and out-drink each other at company sponsored events. The MBA interns also size each other up, however, they are slightly more refined in their alcohol consumption.

Fortunately, I was in-between projects last week and was able to enjoy the festivities in full. Enter Buxom Brunette Becky. The Buxom Brunette bore more than a striking resemblance to the naughty school girls seen on the X-rated channels available to road warriors in all good hotel establishments. I entered the reserved area of the establishment and wasted no time in introducing myself. The Buxom Brunette was a Economics graduate at Oxbridge but hated her degree and had plans on setting up a number of computer centres in West Africa. I asked her what attracted her to the big bad world of strategy consulting. I imagined her looking me in the eyes, then softly whispering “I know who you are, I read your blog all the time. You’re a bad motherf*cker and I applied to meet you in flesh and do me in a client office”. I awoke from my daze to catch the remnants of what sounded like the bullshit answers we all give when being asked “why strategy consulting”. I think I heard her mention using learning and using her improved knowledge to help organisational challenges. I chuckled silently.

It must not have been as silent as I had hoped because she asked me why I was laughing. I responded by telling her that I’d heard a 100 versions of the answer she had just given. I then challenged her to give the real reason for choosing strategy. Instead of backing down or reaffirming her commitment to consulting (as I expected), she paused and said “well, I’ve heard you consultants don’t do much. It seems to be a load of PowerPoint, plagiarism of business models and inventing fanciful names to cover exorbitant expense accounts. Yet, you seem to earn a fair sum for your efforts and the exit opportunities aren’t so bad. I wanted to steer clear of the banking and finance nerds, so I thought I’d check out this gig you’ve got going on.”
I was smitten. Her response lit a fire inside me. I knew I had to develop a carnal knowledge of the Buxom Brunette. I ignored the other interns for the rest of the evening and focused on presenting myself in a positive light to her.

As fate would have it, she didn’t live too far from me (well, we’re approximately 8 miles apart at opposing ends of London, but that wasn’t the time for semantics) and we shared a cab. Being the gentleman that I am, I insisted that she be dropped off first, to ensure her safety and such. HA! When we arrived at her place, I decided to try my luck and invited myself round for a nightcap. Surprisingly, she accepted without argument.

As for the rest of the evening, well, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but I assure you I received a lot of knowledge from the Buxom Brunette.

* As proper as it can be for a consultant

So many interns, so little time. Thank God for HR and all the intern social events that are being held over the next 10 weeks. We’re all encouraged to attend to ensure they gain from our knowledge and expertise. The instruction I’ll be providing the interns won’t be covered in any undergrad/MBA classes.

The great thing about having interns is that every year we get a group of bright eyed eager-to-please individuals that will, for the most part, be sociable and won’t oblige to the odd drink or ten, especially when its at the expense of the company. I’m not suggesting my game plan is to ply them with drinks and let the juices flow, however, anecdotal evidence leads me to believe interns are more receptive to requests once their thirst has been suitably quenched.

I not only plan to quench thirsts, I’ll make sure they remain permanently wet for the next 10 weeks.

A very senior client employee that is golf buddies with a partner at your firm emerges from a toilet cubicle after moving his bowels as you walk in and immediately proceeds to shake your hand?
Corporate Whore response: Smile, until you realise he wants to shake your hand. Begin coughing profusely then walk out of the toilet.

A female partner has whispered suggestive comments about the possibility of you and her performing carnal gymnastics? Said female partner is married without kids and has a reputation for being tough as nails.
Corporate Whore response: Whisper back “Gymnastics eh?! How flexible are you and what positions are you willing to consider”

Your dragon of an engagement manager is about to walk into a client meeting with lipstick and spinach on her teeth. Do you inform her or let her be humiliated?
Corporate Whore response: Humiliation all the way. The client team spend most of the meeting in suppressed fits of giggles. The engagement manager is becoming increasingly frustrated, just as a member of the client team motions to signal the object of their laughter, a brave analyst speaks up and informs the EM.

You’ve been caught out by a partner for coding profanity into the decks you create? -
Corporate Whore response: Inform the partner you have no knowledge of the profanity. However, you will take greater care in monitoring the work of the analysts.

You accidentally send an e-mail to the client deriding the firm, your colleagues, the client, the engagement manager and virtually everybody you’ve come into contact with since you began the project?
Corporate Whore response: Lay the blame with I.T and claim you were nowhere near your laptop when the mail was sent. You know I.T have access to the mail server and this may be the work of a disgruntled (former) employee.

You meet a senior manager at an obscure bar when you’ve both called in sick?
Corporate Whore response: Attempt to ignore him. Then wonder why he’s in a bar at 1.30pm. Curiosity takes over and you ask him whether he’s having a liquid lunch with a client or whether he’s a closet alcoholic. He responds the latter, so you proceed to get drunk with him till the early hours of the morning.

You get caught in a very compromising situation with HR Beauty by a security guard?
Corporate Whore response: Ask the guard to return in 10 minutes as you’re clearly busy.

Answers on a post-card to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or you can leave a comment below.

A very senior client employee that is golf buddies with a partner at your firm emerges from a toilet cubicle after moving his bowels as you walk in and immediately proceeds to shake your hand?

A female partner has whispered suggestive comments about the possibility of you and her performing carnal gymnastics? Said female partner is married without kids and has a reputation for being tough as nails.

Your dragon of an engagement manager is about to walk into a client meeting with lipstick and spinach on her teeth. Do you inform her or let her be humiliated?

You’ve been caught out by a partner for coding profanity into the decks you create? -

You accidentally send an e-mail to the client deriding the firm, your colleagues, the client, the engagement manager and virtually everybody you’ve come into contact with since you began the project?

You meet a senior manager at an obscure bar when you’ve both called in sick?

You get caught in a very compromising situation with HR Beauty by a security guard?

Answers on a post-card to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or you can leave a comment below.

“My good man, for some time I’ve held back from responding to your snide comments and remarks. However, I can no longer contain my words. You’re an annoying c**t. Your staff don’t respect you. A number of them have slept with your wife and I’m certain your daughter has been contacted. The chairman things your nose is so far up his arse you could probably offer a better diagnosis than his doctor regarding the his prostate.
It hasn’t been a pleasure analysing your various failings in the business, I do not wish you any good will of any sort. Frankly, if I was notified of your painful and protracted death, a grin bigger than all the cats in Cheshire could muster, would cross my face and remain permanently fixed for at least an hour.”
This (ex?) consultant does not work for my brand of pimps, however, we were working with their team on a project.
After that speech he packed his things and left. I’m informed he has not been seen or heard of since. 

“Desktop fellatio machines. The guy that invents that would be a genius. Working til these ungodly hours would be less painful. Once it’s 1am, sit down at your desk and switch on the fellatio machine. BJ while you work. It would relieve a lot of stress and tension”

“It’s almost 3am, this is the 7th revision. Seriously, no joke, kill me now”

“How many flow charts would it take to create a tiger”, swiftly followed by “Sean, Your mum looks like Homer Simpson”
Proclaimed @ 3.30am. The colleague in question has since professed temporary insanity

“If you put Charles in a dress, do you think he would look like Dame Edna?”

“
Nick: His wife, or if I was feeling adventurous, his daughter, or both!

Stefan: You know his daughter turned 16 yesterday?

Nick: So what’s your point? She’s still legal
“
Nick discussing his preference over a colleague’s wife or daughter for some extra-curricular activities.
We’re still in shock.

“I don’t like to wash my hands after using the toilet, they never dry properly and I hate having damp hands”

“I’m not in the mood for ethnic food, fish and chips will do me fine”

“Mate, don’t worry about it. If I were in your shoes, I would have taken advantage of her too. In fact, all you did was kiss. I probably would have taken it further. She’s smoking hot. You’re a good guy”

“Is it really so bad to sleep around? I’m a man, men are supposed to spread their seed far and wide. I love [my girlfriend] but I see her on average one weekend every 3 weeks. It doesn’t help that Joanna is so amazingly hot.”

“Valentines stuff?! Not me mate. We’re out for drinks tonight. I’m buying. I know that bitch likes a free drink or two. Get her wasted then do as I please. Pictures and video clips are also on the agenda.”

“My wife? I couldn’t give two shits about her. I know she is probably out to dinner with Mark, a neighbour. Valentines day is all about spoiling your mistress. The wife had years of that. She’s too old to enjoy it properly.”

“What am I doing this evening? The client is Satan; I’m stuck in the office. I seriously think the wife will be considering divorce now. This is the 4th successive Valentines Day I’ve cancelled on her. Actually, do you know a good florist that’ll deliver in 2 hours?”

“Emma needs a stiff one inside her. I was speaking to her earlier and she says she actually prefers to work as late as possible tonight. She isn’t ugly, so I have no idea where that came from.”

“I’d rather have a mountain of chocs than a man on Valentines day. Men are too awkward and are intimidated by me.
It’s probably cause you bear a striking resemblance to the woman on the right

“Valentines Day sucks. I might turn gay for a few weeks to confuse everyone.”
This is the man countless executives pay serious cash for to advise on their issues. A man with this logic should not be in employment in anything other than the fried chicken shops that litter the east-end of London

“I wish my girlfriend would break up with me. I spend approximately £400 every Valentines day and all I get in return is a lasagne (not even a steak) and a half-arsed blow job.“

“I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m slowly losing the will to live.”

You know what’s annoying? Missing another meet up with friends because you’re working until 4am, number crunching at 2.47am then looking up to see the porcine like countenance of the person who screwed up adding an extra 8+ hours to your working day.

What’s even worse is watching this rotund beast of a woman dig at her nostrils as if she was searching for signs of intelligent life (or some extra chocolate biscuits).

The sight was disgusting. Watching a grown woman not only pick her nose in full view of the team, but remove her pickings and inspect them like a corporate prospector. I expected her to leap in the air proclaiming “I’ve struck Gold!!!”

 

The most infuriating thing about that ordeal is that I couldn’t say a word. Speak up and me admonished or stay silent and feel sick to the stomach. Not wanting to be outdone, I did the next best thing I could think of.

I watched her with glaring eyes; I was transfixed, not once opening my mouth. I watched as she dug furiously, inspected her pickings then continued to dig. This carried on for approximately a minute, when, with a finger in her snout, she looked up and saw me.

I continued to watch her silently. She quickly removed the offending finger, turned a shade of crimson and looked away.

 

 

I hope she felt as embarrassed as I was disgusted.

End of project, time to present findings to the board.

” … The non-key vertical integrals in the organisational model can be off-shored to reduce operating costs. We’d suggest leveraging the synergies you have with strategic partners in order to further reduce costs … ”

And so it went for approximately 40mins. The board we were presenting to did not interrupt us once. That was when alarm bells began to ring. I noticed them jotting a few notes on paper and looking gravely at our presentation.

As soon as our engagement manager had finished, the CFO, calmly as ever said,

“You know, if I wanted to hear business school buzzwords, I would have bought a few books for our business analysts and asked them to come back in a week informing the board of their shiny new vocab. Don’t bullshit us. You will return in 24 hours with the key learnings of this 3 month assignment in plain English. Not some bullshit arty-farty business school crap, real recommendations that can be executed and benefits calculated. I don’t care whether you have to work an hour or all night, it will be done. We’re not paying you exorbitant sums to receive a presentation which is basically a rip of Porters with a few bits added on and our name stuck on. Now, do YOU have any questions?”

“Erm ..”

“Good, get cracking.”

With that, the board got up and left. Whilst it was amazing to watch, I’ll now be awake until 4am … again.

“Do you think God’ll forgive us for what we’ve done?” - John Creasy

“Corporate Whore, you think too much. What have we done? We add value to organisations, we not only ADD value, we find new ways that organisations can increase revenue, reduce costs, improve profitability. The EBIT dude, if that’s what they care about, that’s what we give ‘em. We advise on how to stay competitive. If it weren’t for us, thousands of employees would now be unemployed. Shit, we’re saviours of the global economy”. “Saviours huh?”, “that’s right, saviours. Without our expert knowledge, insight and grade-A MBA degrees, the economy, the global economy from Hawaii to Hong Kong, would be a shadow of what it is today. Lighten up dude”

“Add value? What we do isn’t rocket science my friend. We tell an organisation that’s spending too much money on frivolous shit to basically stop spending money. Increase revenue? I’m simplifying but all we say is to increase efficiency or consider a merger with a smaller, but key competitor, it’s not rocket science.

What we do is customise known methodologies by adding the firm logo to the deck and changing a few things. We are charged at an obscene daily rate. We take the piss with expenses, I mean your recent trip to Paris with your now ex-girlfriend, how does that help an organisation improve it’s EBIT.

I’ll tall you what we are, we’re con artists. Wiley con artists, with degrees from premier institutions, MBA’s from the top business schools, and we’re well spoken. The clients we work for don’t really understand the full implications of the excrement we spew, as long as it sounds nice and gives them a warm fuzzy feeling. When they do wake up and smell the shit, they’ll either blame the consultants or would have been long gone.

We don’t add much value. We spend copious amounts of the clients money making ourselves feel good for the fact that we’re a bunch of well educated con artists.”

“So you planning on quitting?”

“Not really, I was just wondering whether God will forgive us. It’s not my money, I’m not forcing anyone to spend anything.”