Corporate Whore

The Corporate Whore is still alive; however, a change of moniker is in order!

The following is a post I begun, meaning to chronicle Summer 2008. A series of fortunate and not so fortunate events meant that I was unable to continue with the update, until now. I conclude the post with a summary of what has happened since the post was written.

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A series of very fortunate events … Introducing Horny Harriet

Summer ‘08 shall be chronicled as a three part series.

The third week of the summer intern hunt began as innocuously as any other week. There were presentation sessions organised for a few of the interns, this was followed by a mid-week networking session (read: Intern piss-up) and the usual Friday drinks; it had been a fairly mundane week.

Being the affable and easy-going chap that I am, I decided to get to know a few of the interns and offer my unique insight into the world of strategy consulting (and perform full reconnaissance on the female interns without being too conspicuous). I was introduced to an intern who I’ll call Horny Harriet. From the outset she (Horny Harriet) appeared to be the typical intern hired by our firm, she studied at a prestigious university, had been the captain, president and chair of various clubs and societies, on top of some amazing charitable work. I didn’t spend an excessive amount of time with her as I had a mission to complete. I was introduced to and had conversations with the majority of interns. I had previously ruled out any advances that could have occurred, as I was on a purely recon mission and devise my plan of attack during the next week.

As I was preparing my exit, Horny Harriet approached me and we struck up a conversation. From the outset I could tell where this conversation was headed. She began by asking me what was the worst thing an employee had done to get fired (well, these people haven’t been fired yet, so it can’t be so bad) and whether I had some close to any these offences. I gave a knowing smile and replied that I’m generally a good boy. She chuckled then said “It’s good to hear that you’re a good boy, especially when the client is footing the bill. Good boys seem to be the norm at uni but sometimes a girl just wants the experience of something that deviates from that norm”. From then on it was game on, I knew score. We arranged to leave separately, she would make her excuses and I would follow her 20 minutes later.

I arrived at her flat and we were at it almost immediately. With large quantities of alcohol coursing through our veins, we skipped the niceties and banter that is so often de rigueur with first night relations. We were approaching the big dance when she paused and whispered to me “Would you like to someone else to be involved, another girl?” I tried to maintain a semblance of calm, however, I can imagine that I didn’t succeed as she began to laugh. My reaction must have been enough for her as she began to make a few calls. She made approximately eight calls with none of them bearing fruit. “Oh well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be” she said. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass me by. I, like most men (I assume), like to believe we think with our minds and not our sexual devices. At this point, I’d like to think it was a combination of the alcohol and the possibility of a ménage a trois that led me to suggest HR Beauty as a possible partner. Far from being wary at the prospect of an unknown entering the equation, she was jubilant. I called HR Beauty - she had been out with friends and was also highly intoxicated - and invited her to join me at a party. To cut a long story short, HR Beauty was initially shocked, but ultimately agreed to the proposal. Conversing with Horny Harriet was certainly the best investment I had made in a long time!
“

• HR Beauty gabbled like a goose to a few of her HR friends about the events of that night, omitting her activities and wildly exaggerating mine.
• Word soon spread like wildfire. The once spotless Corporate Whore and been thrown into a tar pit.
• Around this time, I was fortunate enough to work on a project where I had the chance to meet a number of prominent Arabian financiers.
• I managed to sufficiently impress and was offered a job.
• I accepted and handed in my notice the next day.
• Within 48 hours, I was on a flight to one of the GCC states.
• I spent my garden leave making the necessary preparations.
• I began my new role early in the autumn.

A very senior client employee that is golf buddies with a partner at your firm emerges from a toilet cubicle after moving his bowels as you walk in and immediately proceeds to shake your hand?
Corporate Whore response: Smile, until you realise he wants to shake your hand. Begin coughing profusely then walk out of the toilet.

A female partner has whispered suggestive comments about the possibility of you and her performing carnal gymnastics? Said female partner is married without kids and has a reputation for being tough as nails.
Corporate Whore response: Whisper back “Gymnastics eh?! How flexible are you and what positions are you willing to consider”

Your dragon of an engagement manager is about to walk into a client meeting with lipstick and spinach on her teeth. Do you inform her or let her be humiliated?
Corporate Whore response: Humiliation all the way. The client team spend most of the meeting in suppressed fits of giggles. The engagement manager is becoming increasingly frustrated, just as a member of the client team motions to signal the object of their laughter, a brave analyst speaks up and informs the EM.

You’ve been caught out by a partner for coding profanity into the decks you create? -
Corporate Whore response: Inform the partner you have no knowledge of the profanity. However, you will take greater care in monitoring the work of the analysts.

You accidentally send an e-mail to the client deriding the firm, your colleagues, the client, the engagement manager and virtually everybody you’ve come into contact with since you began the project?
Corporate Whore response: Lay the blame with I.T and claim you were nowhere near your laptop when the mail was sent. You know I.T have access to the mail server and this may be the work of a disgruntled (former) employee.

You meet a senior manager at an obscure bar when you’ve both called in sick?
Corporate Whore response: Attempt to ignore him. Then wonder why he’s in a bar at 1.30pm. Curiosity takes over and you ask him whether he’s having a liquid lunch with a client or whether he’s a closet alcoholic. He responds the latter, so you proceed to get drunk with him till the early hours of the morning.

You get caught in a very compromising situation with HR Beauty by a security guard?
Corporate Whore response: Ask the guard to return in 10 minutes as you’re clearly busy.

Answers on a post-card to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or you can leave a comment below.

A very senior client employee that is golf buddies with a partner at your firm emerges from a toilet cubicle after moving his bowels as you walk in and immediately proceeds to shake your hand?

A female partner has whispered suggestive comments about the possibility of you and her performing carnal gymnastics? Said female partner is married without kids and has a reputation for being tough as nails.

Your dragon of an engagement manager is about to walk into a client meeting with lipstick and spinach on her teeth. Do you inform her or let her be humiliated?

You’ve been caught out by a partner for coding profanity into the decks you create? -

You accidentally send an e-mail to the client deriding the firm, your colleagues, the client, the engagement manager and virtually everybody you’ve come into contact with since you began the project?

You meet a senior manager at an obscure bar when you’ve both called in sick?

You get caught in a very compromising situation with HR Beauty by a security guard?

Answers on a post-card to corporate.prostitute@hotmail.com or you can leave a comment below.

I work with some truly brilliant people. In an average team (6-12 people) there are over 8 degrees, including at least 2 Phd graduates. However, a relatively high Intelligence quotient is no substitute for common sense or social decorum, especially when you have the combination of (copious amounts of) alcohol, Christmas decorations and plush Christmas party.

The following events took place over the course of the last 2 weeks. Names have been altered to protect the guilty.

Saturday 8th December - Unofficial client team Christmas party

• Chris and Margaret were caught in a very tight position in the female toilets. Chris is married, Margaret has a long-time (female) partner.

• John and an anonymous waiter were spotted behind the building. It appeared that John had is zip down and the anonymous waiter was about to service him.

• Martin was unashamedly making suggestive comments to Lucy. Lucy seemed to dismiss them as the words of a drunken partner. Martin and Lucy were later caught in an unused function room. Lucy bent over shrieking in either pleasure or pain.

Wednesday 12th December - Official client team Christmas meal and party

• Only the Corporate Whore and another colleague showed. The rest of the team - ashamed by their actions - made their excuses.

• The Corporate Whore and colleague proceeded to drink themselves into an amazing stupor. The Corporate Whore woke up with a slight headache; the colleague found himself in a dressing gown on the sofa of a 40+ year old female, approximately 22 miles from the last bar we remember visiting.

Thursday 13th December - Drinks with the analysts

• See here

Friday 14th December - Firm Christmas party

• Jack revealed he has a “thing” for Claire. But was later found in a secluded spot with Joanna.

• Joanna is married to Gareth, who spent the entire evening leering at Michelle’s cleavage.

• Michelle was caught in very compromising positions with: Mark, David, George and Graeme (All partners).

• George and Graeme had a very vocal disagreement over Michelle.

• David was also found to be getting slightly too intimate with Johan.

• Sarah and Emma were discovered in the female toilets in a tangle of legs and arms; both, only just covered up.

• Jenny and Rebecca had a cat fight over Liam.

• Liam left with Susan.

• HR Beauty revealed to the Corporate Whore that she often has naughty thoughts whilst at work, especially on a Friday when the Corporate Whore is in the office. The Corporate Whore needed no more prompting. They left together with only the security guards in the building noticing their exit.

Saturday 15th December - Analyst Christmas party

• Charles was with Claire the whole night, they left together. Charles is newly married, not to Claire.

• Sarah was caught on her knees. Phil was caught standing upright in front of her.

• Initially, Mark and John were involved in a drunken brawl. This spiralled to include; Peter, Tony, Bill, Tom, Derrick and Annette.

• Hailey was screeching at Tom for accidentally slapping Annette.

• Hailey got an earful from Sophie, who has a thing for Tom.

• Andrew drunkenly revealed his partner is a 19 year old male student. (Nobody was surprised)

• Matt and Craig were seen leaving with Tara. (If rumours are true, they ended up having a threesome)

Wednesday 19th December - Christmas party of rival firm

The night was dull. I awoke the next day with the following clip in my inbox. It apparently shows a senior manager and a secretary.
http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=6yf2a09&s=1

Continued from Pimp My Luncheon …

So I send the mail the following Monday. He replies saying that he has heard good things about me and would be free for a meeting over lunch sometime in the near future. Project commitments (fcuking utilisation rates) mean I’m not available for 4 weeks. I inform him of this and he assures me it’s not a problem. My eagerness was plain to see.
He finished with “don’t worry [Corporate Whore], you seem to be one to watch out for; I won’t forget”. With that, I’m suitably appeased.

Four weeks later, I’m preparing a mail to the partner confirming our meeting the next day when HR Beauty informs me that said partner has resigned, rumours of gross misconduct are (apparently) rife. After deeper probing (no pun intended), HR Beauty informs me that said partner was caught in a compromising position in a meeting room with his partner, who happened to be a teenage boy.

Work seemingly rarely has a dull moment, however, I do wish some people could keep their legs closed more often. I now have to find another pimp partner that identifies my greatness.

A huge part of me is very relieved at the fact that the meeting was postponed. Who knows what he may have suggested.

Every time I post, I wonder whether I’ll be rumbled and be summoned to a meeting with a HR drone and a senior manager or partner the next time I’m in the office.

When HR Beauty recently asked whether I thought there were any “beauties in HR”, I would have bet my worldly possessions that I had been exposed and my colleagues were playing some sort of sick prank.

As soon as the word “beauty” left her lips, it was as if time froze. I could instantly feel my heartbeat increase to 200 beats per minute; every single post I had made came flooding back to my memory. The next instant began with a thousand and one plausible excuses rushed into my mind, and I attempted to simultaneously dissect them all in order to determine which excuse would be the most realistic (a note to fellow consultants and those who get by on bullshit, when you’ve been caught out, NEVER admit the extent of your failings. Admit the least damaging of your misdemeanours and deny the rest. I assume you would have already concocted a backup plan/excuse should you ever enter such a predicament).

To buy some time, and in an attempt to ascertain the extent of her/their knowledge, I responded “why do you ask?” Her response could either signal the beginning of a job search or quell all my fears.

She gave me a coy look, followed by a playful smile and said “Well, I know you’re a hit with the opposite sex and as we’re currently planning the seating arrangement for the Christmas party I wondered if you had any requests to be seated with anyone that may tickle your fancy.”

The wave of relief that followed was greater than that of O.J Simpson and Michael Jackson combined upon hearing their verdicts.

It’s amazing the power the HR department of any organisation has.

They have the power to hire and fire. The HR department can determine (with varying degrees of accuracy) the level of your pay. So you can parade across the office, posturing like a total dick, however, if your salary doesn’t match the level of posturing HR will most probably let you know about it at the next organisation comms event.

HR also have the power to make office life heaven or hell. For once, I’m thankful for my HR department as working from the home office just became a whole lot easier to deal with.
I thank the HR department, but really it’s a new recruit that has caught my attention; and I hers. She shall be called HR Beauty.

As luck would have it, HR Beauty began when I was on the tail end of a home based project. We hit it off straight away and we converse regularly (Oh the joys of IM). She has a wicked sense of humour that I’m hoping will turn naughty at the Christmas party. Unfortunately my new project is based in the north of the UK, meaning I can no longer watch HR Beauty’s hips swing as she walks by.

I make no effort to conceal my actions and I’m sure she knows. I’m a patient guy, I’ll bide my time until the Christmas party season. I’m hoping the freely flowing alcohol will loosen more than her inhibitions.