Corporate Whore

The following is a post I begun, meaning to chronicle Summer 2008. A series of fortunate and not so fortunate events meant that I was unable to continue with the update, until now. I conclude the post with a summary of what has happened since the post was written.

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A series of very fortunate events … Introducing Horny Harriet

I arrived at her flat and we were at it almost immediately. With large quantities of alcohol coursing through our veins, we skipped the niceties and banter that is so often de rigueur with first night relations. We were approaching the big dance when she paused and whispered to me “Would you like to someone else to be involved, another girl?” I tried to maintain a semblance of calm, however, I can imagine that I didn’t succeed as she began to laugh. My reaction must have been enough for her as she began to make a few calls. She made approximately eight calls with none of them bearing fruit. “Oh well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be” she said. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass me by. I, like most men (I assume), like to believe we think with our minds and not our sexual devices. At this point, I’d like to think it was a combination of the alcohol and the possibility of a ménage a trois that led me to suggest HR Beauty as a possible partner. Far from being wary at the prospect of an unknown entering the equation, she was jubilant. I called HR Beauty - she had been out with friends and was also highly intoxicated - and invited her to join me at a party. To cut a long story short, HR Beauty was initially shocked, but ultimately agreed to the proposal. Conversing with Horny Harriet was certainly the best investment I had made in a long time!
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• HR Beauty gabbled like a goose to a few of her HR friends about the events of that night, omitting her activities and wildly exaggerating mine.
• Word soon spread like wildfire. The once spotless Corporate Whore and been thrown into a tar pit.
• Around this time, I was fortunate enough to work on a project where I had the chance to meet a number of prominent Arabian financiers.
• I managed to sufficiently impress and was offered a job.
• I accepted and handed in my notice the next day.
• Within 48 hours, I was on a flight to one of the GCC states.
• I spent my garden leave making the necessary preparations.
• I began my new role early in the autumn.

Once a candidate has progressed passed the application form test, they next assessment they face (that I’ll be covering) is the one to one interview.

I am a believer that the interview stage is the easiest stage of the application form.
Getting past the application form stage means the organisation is sufficiently interested in you. Owing to the nature of the work of an analyst (0-2 years), the employer is satisfied the candidate would be able to handle the “rigours” of the role. The interview stage usually consists of a case study and the more bog standard interview questions.
I won’t be covering the case study as there are numerous sites online offering more guidance (accurate or not) than I can offer.

Interview questions come in two general categories:

Competency Questions
Technical Knowledge

Competency Questions.

We know and loathe them.

Describe a time when you did something you don’t really care about, I don’t really care about, but supposed HR “gurus” have deemed these questions a key indicator as to whether you can take shit and perform. In my experienc consulting firms cream themselves over Engineering grads. I know that an successfully completing an Engineering degree is not a trivial task. Unless you happen to be George Stevenson or a descendant who has inherited his technical know how.

Unless you’re being interviewed by someone from HR (which is becoming less common), these questions are pretty mundane for interviewer and candidate. Unless the candidate mentions something amazingly spectacular:

Interviewer: Give me an example of how you handle pressure.

Candidate: Well, if you hadn’t noticed, I’m Monika Lewinsky. I haven’t slit my wrists or become a complete crackwhore, so I must be good at handling pressure.

Why would Ms. Lewinsky be interviewing for an analyst position? Well, consulting firms are notorious pimps. I assume she aims to capitalise on her whoreish image/behaviour/mannerisms.

There really are too many questions to analyse in any significant depth. However, this general format has always served me well.

If the first interview is with a HR employee, as opposed to someone (e.g. a manager) in the role; ensure your answers to the competency questions make you look like a potential super employee that would be willing to lay down their life at the behest of the firm. My experience has been that HR will follow their misguided logic and reasoning no matter what. I’ve seen many capable candidates falter at the interview stage because of inflexible HR recruitment procedures.

If however, the competency questions are conducted by a manager, ensure your answers are sufficient to put you in a favourable light, without going overboard. e.g.

HR: Explain a time you showed leadership.

• Camping in the woods. Or whatever it is graduates do these days.
  

Manager: Explain a time you showed leadership.

• Despite not being the chairperson on a university team/group, I managed to quell tension between two other members; ensuring our work was delivered on-time exceeding specification.

Technical Knowledge.

The reverse is true for technical questions. Lavish the manager with technical know-how, whilst providing the HR interviewer sufficient detail and buzz-words that make you seem as if you’re the God of .

The most important aspect of this stage is to impress your interviewer. If your interviewer is a manager in the line of business, it will be at this stage that they’ll decide whether you’re suitable or not. Forget all the bollocks about even and fair recruitment categories. This is make or break. Establish a rapport with your interviewer at this stage and you’re through.

I’ve always found it relatively easy to build a rapport with my interviewer. Smile when they smile, an occasional nod and attempt to chuckle at the often pathetic nuggets of humour they may try and throw into the interview. Managers at this stage not only assess your knowledge, but also your personality. Owing to the very long hours you will inevitably be spending with your team, they attempt to determine whether you will make those hours more palatable or will grate on them like The Bucket Woman.

If you can crack an amusing anecdote within the framework of the conversation, give yourself a pat on the back. Unless you say something totally out of line and/or the interviewer is a total wanker (of which there are many) and you should be fine and expect a call through to the final stage.

The dreaded assessment centre.

Recruitment, its a BoS (Bag of Shite). Do organisations not realise that I know the bullshit they want me to spew? And when I’m feeding their preverted souls during the interview, I can see their inner selves squealing with joy. It’s disgusting.
I feel dirty after I finish an interview, as if I have sinned against my body.

From my experience corporate pimps work like this:

The pimp: Tell me what I want to hear.
The whore: I tell them.
The pimp: Use “common” sense in the group exercises.
The whore: I do.
The pimp: Be my bitch (an offer).
The whore: OK.

For example:

Q. Why do you want to work in “insert service line/department here” ?

What I think:
I honestly, couldn’t give a flying fuck. You have a reputation as a pimp and the title sounds exotic enough to wow my friends at GS, Accenture and all the other pimp houses.

What I say:
I want to analyse businesses, hoping to recommend ways to increase profit.

The HR ladies begin to lactate profusely when I spew this garbage. A manager knows it’s bullshit, I know it’s bullshit; but there is an approving smile and nod.

Q. Can you give me a time when …. ?

What I think:
OH FUCK. Whatever I say is bullshit. You don’t care, I don’t care. A Solo expedition to Mount Everest has no significance in my ability to bend over and be (legally) analy raped.

What I say:
Too much bullshit to even write. But I’m sure you’re familiar with the bullshit

By this point, there is so much milk I could feed all the starving babies in a small African country.