Corporate Whore

The Strat Whore seemed to have caused a bit of a flurry with her last post. She has returned, this time to impart her words of wisdom on what she’s learnt this summer as a corporate whore.

What I have learned this summer in my Corporate Whoring Consulting Life….

• Partners and Directors at one Big Firm regularly include visiting strip clubs as part of their ‘monthly team meeting’; this is expensed to the company. Tut, tut!

• Do not share good ideas with your superiors, they just steal it, change one word and call it their own when presenting it to the project lead, Bastards!

• The Summer Ball is the best event of the season. The Plus+1 invitation means that you get the opportunity to judge all your colleagues partners/lovers/significant others. Sooo Bitchy and soo much fun! I obviously had a very attractive man on my arm…shame I can’t say that for the majority of the attendees.

• Investment Bankers! You aren’t so cocky now, are you?! Ha! I was recently chatted up by a rather annoying IB in a ‘City-Boy’ bar, when I mentioned the credit crunch and the state of the financial markets; he looked like he wanted to cry… Oh, well, at least that got rid of him!

• The office is becoming populated with leather skinned, over-tanned Partners returning from the summer break in France/Italy.

• There are no hot men in my office, and it sucks, I’m officially bored by the lack of sex appeal!

• EVERYONE noticed that a certain member of our team was wearing the same shirt two day in a row, and hence has been shagging the project director in her flat, again! I deliberately had a discussion that morning about the importance of fidelity in marriage and watched them both squirm, we were all greatly amused.

• Training and corporate brainwashing are one of the same: This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value, This is how we add value……… Arrrah!!!!!! Please Stop this torture!

That’s all for now, I will let you know if I find a hot male consultant to play with, I won’t hold my breath…

After reading the tales of my Corporate Whoring for over a year, I decided it would be good to inject a little diversity to the blog (do you expect anything less? I tell clients to diversify their portfolios and value propositions on at least 40% of cases I work on).

I’ve decided to bring a fellow consultant on board. I would say she’s the female version of myself, but I’m yet to deduce whether she sleeps with HR personnel or grossly abuses her expense account. Hopefully, over the course of the coming weeks, I (we) will find out. Introducing the Strat Whore …

The interview from hell: Final interview/assessment for consulant positions, 6 points to note for future whore candidates:




1. Partner interview often consists of 40:60

40% of the interview the partner will talk about him/her self, where they have come from, how they got to where they are, how amazing they believe them selves to be and so on. 60% boring competency questions that you will already know your answers to backwards! The former 40% is your opportunity to look in awe and admiration at your potential pimp (The up their own ass, corporate prick that even when interviewing can’t help but wank their ego). You may wish you could walk out and tell them where to stick the job - but use this as your first opportunity to suck-up, look inspired and impressed by their bull shit, let them know how interesting they are and how you could only hope to be a good pimp like them one day.





2. Sell your body and mind

You may get the crazy unconventional partner who makes his own rules - instead of asking the recommended HR ‘don’t get us sued pc questions’. He will attempt an interview loosely based on all the worst parts of the apprentice interview regime. Fuck The Apprentice and AMS for giving the bastards ideas! You will now have to perform for the pleasure of the pimp - who will sit back and enjoy as you sweat, squirm and generally wish you were anywhere else. He will say things like: “Sell your self to me in 1 min”, “What are you like on a team night out”, “Who do you most respect and why”, “If I was a client how far would you go to impress me”….



These questions are ridiculous and should not warrant an answer but as the pimp is in the position of power you will do your best to please him! So dance monkey, dance and make sure its exotic enough to sustain the appetite of a jaded pimp!





3. Be nice to HR

The HR bitches have a lot of say on the day, they are the ones who are really in control, they know what rooms you have to go to and when, they know where the loo is, they will be assessing your psychometric bullshit and informing the partners of your results, they know how to fuck you up so be warned - kiss ass!





4. The power of female sex

If the partner is one of the many creepy, old, pervy men that are commonplace in the consultancy industry then play the game! A little flirting goes a long way; it entertains the partner through the boring interviews and makes you a more desirable candidate. Just a little is all that is required. You do not have to continue this charade once your hired!





5. G.A.Y Rules!

Boys, if the partner is obviously G.A.Y then the same applies to you, forget your macho ‘I’m a straight red blooded man’ BS and bat your eyelids and if possible bend over and pick up your pen that you have ‘accidentally’ dropped on the floor at the end of the interview as you exit the room - gay men don’t need subtle! You do not have to continue this charade once you’re hired!




6. And Don’t say any of these…

Like your tie,

I’m only 24,

I’m only here coz I shagged a colleague/boss,

I’m only here coz I hate my boss,

I’m still drunk from last night,

I don’t shag around,

I’m a Mormon,

I do a lot for charity,

I value work/life balance,

You’re are a tosser!







Whores! Got any more advice to add to this list, please feel free..