Corporate Whore

I work with some truly brilliant people. In an average team (6-12 people) there are over 8 degrees, including at least 2 Phd graduates. However, a relatively high Intelligence quotient is no substitute for common sense or social decorum, especially when you have the combination of (copious amounts of) alcohol, Christmas decorations and plush Christmas party.

The following events took place over the course of the last 2 weeks. Names have been altered to protect the guilty.

Saturday 8th December - Unofficial client team Christmas party

• Chris and Margaret were caught in a very tight position in the female toilets. Chris is married, Margaret has a long-time (female) partner.

• John and an anonymous waiter were spotted behind the building. It appeared that John had is zip down and the anonymous waiter was about to service him.

• Martin was unashamedly making suggestive comments to Lucy. Lucy seemed to dismiss them as the words of a drunken partner. Martin and Lucy were later caught in an unused function room. Lucy bent over shrieking in either pleasure or pain.

Wednesday 12th December - Official client team Christmas meal and party

• Only the Corporate Whore and another colleague showed. The rest of the team - ashamed by their actions - made their excuses.

• The Corporate Whore and colleague proceeded to drink themselves into an amazing stupor. The Corporate Whore woke up with a slight headache; the colleague found himself in a dressing gown on the sofa of a 40+ year old female, approximately 22 miles from the last bar we remember visiting.

Thursday 13th December - Drinks with the analysts

• See here

Friday 14th December - Firm Christmas party

• Jack revealed he has a “thing” for Claire. But was later found in a secluded spot with Joanna.

• Joanna is married to Gareth, who spent the entire evening leering at Michelle’s cleavage.

• Michelle was caught in very compromising positions with: Mark, David, George and Graeme (All partners).

• George and Graeme had a very vocal disagreement over Michelle.

• David was also found to be getting slightly too intimate with Johan.

• Sarah and Emma were discovered in the female toilets in a tangle of legs and arms; both, only just covered up.

• Jenny and Rebecca had a cat fight over Liam.

• Liam left with Susan.

• HR Beauty revealed to the Corporate Whore that she often has naughty thoughts whilst at work, especially on a Friday when the Corporate Whore is in the office. The Corporate Whore needed no more prompting. They left together with only the security guards in the building noticing their exit.

Saturday 15th December - Analyst Christmas party

• Charles was with Claire the whole night, they left together. Charles is newly married, not to Claire.

• Sarah was caught on her knees. Phil was caught standing upright in front of her.

• Initially, Mark and John were involved in a drunken brawl. This spiralled to include; Peter, Tony, Bill, Tom, Derrick and Annette.

• Hailey was screeching at Tom for accidentally slapping Annette.

• Hailey got an earful from Sophie, who has a thing for Tom.

• Andrew drunkenly revealed his partner is a 19 year old male student. (Nobody was surprised)

• Matt and Craig were seen leaving with Tara. (If rumours are true, they ended up having a threesome)

Wednesday 19th December - Christmas party of rival firm

The night was dull. I awoke the next day with the following clip in my inbox. It apparently shows a senior manager and a secretary.
http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=6yf2a09&s=1

“I’d love to fuck [the partner], why not?! If I did, I’d make sure I got pregnant and keep the baby. I’d be set for life.”

“LSE? I studied Maths at Cambridge! How about you suck MY dick?”

“What?! Of course everyone knows I spend evenings “penetrating” Laura in [a] meeting room.”
They didn’t, but they do now.

“… Believe me, it’s one of the nicest feelings in the world, I’m sure most people have done it.”
What is?
“When having sex, has your girlfriend ever stuck her finger up your shit chute? Get her to do it just before you cum, it’s better than a few lines of coke”
Silence, followed by comments of disgust. Said analyst has now become the butt (excuse the pun) of all jokes.

“Accenture? HA! I’ll have a curry tomorrow and shit all over any ‘consultant’ they can bring”

“Angela Merkel, there’s just something about her. I’d make her feel MY Bierwurst“

“You know how black people used to complain that old ladies cross the road when they are walking? Well, as soon as people know I’m a consultant, they always cross the road/room if they see me coming.”

“I’m actually sick of this consulting shit. It’s bullshit, we aren’t learning a thing. Fuck PowerPoint, fuck excel, fuck clients, although I quite like crooked expense claims and the hotels”

“I was doing [an engagement manager] whilst she was on the phone to her husband. God, it was hilarious. Great sex, great tits. Definitely NOT career limiting move.”

“You know what mate? You’re alright; your boss seems like a complete fucker.”
An almost universal truth.“

I’ve seen what you do. You don’t do shit. You should consult us on how Facebook can be used as a medium for generating revenue from the youth market. You spend more time on it than doing any ‘work’, like PowerPoint is work.”

“You, yeah you [Corporate Whore]. Go fuck yourself.”
I’d love to!

“Helen is so fcuking hot. It’s a shame I’ve got a girlfriend. I’d screw her on the dance floor if she would let me.”
He’s also got a wife.

“At the end of the day, we’re paying you guys. You provide a service and we pay for it, you’re like whores. Disgusting whores found in Soho, but you’re just in suits and use laptops. I can treat you like shit if I want. We’re paying your fucking wages, so shut the fcuk up and suck my dick.”
The director overheard his tirade. He is no longer in employment.

“Believe me, I’m the biggest campaigner for equality in the workplace. Women are just as capable as men. There is absolutely no need for a female to degrade herself in order to be promoted. Our demonstrated ability will suffice” - [Client employee 1, female, recently promoted]

Pointing to client employee 1 - “Yeah, she was caught at the summer party in a very compromising position with [a manager]. Nobody saw anything, but nobody saw Clinton either. I believe she’s admitted it to her circle, but thankfully I’m not in that group”

“Piss off. I’ll drink you all under the table”
Said just before he finished his 3rd drink and passed out for the night.

“I’ll tell you this ’cause I trust you. My wife’s sister gives amazing oral, the best part of it is that everybody can try it and see. I met her when I was searching for sexual services online. I booked her, not knowing it was her. It’s our secret”

And so the Christmas party season begins in earnest.

Friday 7th December - Client Christmas party

Saturday 8th December - Unofficial client team Christmas party

Wednesday 12th December - Official client team Christmas meal and party

Thursday 13th December - Drinks with the analysts

Friday 14th December - Firm Christmas party

Saturday 15th December - Analyst Christmas party (A number of analysts have requested my presence)

Wednesday 19th December - Christmas party of rival firm (Invited by a friend who work’s there)

Thursday 20th December - Drinks with old uni friends

Friday 21st December - Fly out to the land of warmer climes.

The events shall be documented as a series of quotes overhead throughout the night. Only the most brazen escapades shall be detailed.

Let the debauchery begin …

There are a number of my fellow whores who find the prospect of lunch with the ultimate pimp (a partner in the firm) terrifying. There are others who relish this opportunity to try and impress the pimp with their ungodly behaviour (brown-nosers and their ilk). Then there are those like myself who can see through the smoke and will use the opportunity to gain further understanding into the inner pimp circle and how to maximise the benefits of being a corporate whore, whilst actually keeping my legs closed.

I ensured I was neither the first nor the last arrive for lunch. I didn’t want to appear too eager by arriving early (thus having to make small talk with said pimp) or too late and look like an unorganised slacker.

I arrived to the brown nosers attempting to curry favour in the eyes of the partner. I began to get irritated after a few minutes of their thinly veiled narcissism; mistake number one. Partners at my corporate pimp house are (for the most part) more highly paid, self-indulgent versions of the brown nosers. So why the brown nosers thought the partners would enjoy hearing about their work/lives is beyond me.

I decided now was an appropriate moment to move in, I asked everyone at the table “We have roughly clearly defined roles and know how we fit within a project, but how do you all believe you add that something special to your projects?” Silence. After a brief pause the brown nosers began reeling off the extra hours they work (as if we all don’t!). The pimp looked squarely at me and said, “And how do you add extra value?” I responded with “I do what I’m told. When I’m finished, I take a step back and take a holistic view of the project and identify areas that we can increase delivery to the client whilst minimising cost to the firm“. A smile began to curl from his lips and the others watched me with envy. I guess it didn’t really matter whether I actually do the things I said I do, but knowing the correct thing to say would be enough.

At the end of the lunch as we were thanking the partner for his time (and for a free lunch) and we began to make our way back to the office, he pulled me aside, gave me his card, saying, “Mail me on Monday.“
Phase one complete!

Time: Fast forward a week.

Location: Friday drinks at another London bar.

The Corporate Whore is beginning the weekend on a merry note. After an hour or so he notices that Robert Sawyer has not moved from his spot at the bar since he arrived. Keeping a watchful eye on Robert for 10 minutes or so, the Corporate Whore notices that Robert’s drink of choice this evening was The Green Fairy, straight.

Another 20 minutes pass and Robert continues to knock them back. 10 minutes later Robert is 3/4 through a bottle.

At this point, the Corporate Whore approaches Robert to ascertain the reasons for wanting to irreparably damage his liver.

Corporate Whore: Rob! Need a drink?!

Robert Sawyer: Pissh off!

Corporate Whore: Nice! What’s the deal with trying to dissolve your liver?

Robert Sawyer: I just like a drink that’s all. Ish that a crime?

Corporate Whore: Not at all. Is everything ok?

Robert Sawyer: I wana be alone.

This banter continues for a few minutes, until ….

Corporate Whore: Rob, if you’re in some kinda trouble let me know and I’ll help however I can.

Robert Sawyer: You can’t. I’m fucked. Totally fucked.

Corporate Whore: Why? What’s wrong?

Robert Sawyer: (pause) … (sigh) … You know Dionne Walters?

Corporate Whore: Yeah, what about her?

Robert Sawyer: She’s pregnant and I think it may be mine.

Corporate Whore: Oh shit!

The saga continues ….

After hearing Dionne’s admission, the Corporate Whore immediately sobers up. The sudden transformation in swagger was a surprise to Dionne and Robert; they glanced at the Corporate Whore in an attempt to deduce how much information he may have heard.

Realising that his demeanour had suddenly changed, the Corporate Whore attempted to appear as if he were in a drunken stupor. It worked. They smiled politely and moved elsewhere in the bar.

The Corporate Whore smiled inwardly. This nugget of information would ensure the upper hand in subsequent encounters with either Chris or Dionne.

These quotes are from those below senior consultant level.

“I bet [the partner] likes to be spanked. He looks the sort. Like the dirty old uncle or your uncle’s mate, that you run into at family gatherings.”
Said within earshot of the partner’s brown nosing P.A

“… I accidently deleted the test scripts. I think I got away with it though. I just made up some new ones from memory. I don’t think anyone will notice. I don’t think anyone will care.”

“Why do we work these fucking hours? Helen will only find something wrong with it and we’ll have to do it all again. This is bullshit. This isn’t the shit they promised at uni.”

“Thinking is the wrong way to go mate. You want to do blindly without question. Even if it’s not logical, just do. If it fucks up, someone else will take the blame.”

“If you read the report, you’ll find that every 17th letter will repeatedly spell ‘Fuck this shit’. It took ages to get it perfect. I wonder if anyone will notice.”
Nobody did notice.

“I’m gonna make Steven puke all over himself at the Christmas party, take pics and post ‘em up on the internet.”
2/3 isn’t bad. We’re still waiting for the pics

“Working from home is a doddle. Make sure you’re signed in. If you’re really clever you can set custom auto-responders based on the content of the incoming message. I did this every friday for 6 weeks. I had a BBQ at least 4 times.”

“It was me who deleted all the data from the network drive. It was also me who deleted the logs. Now Peter thinks we need new IT systems. Dickhead!”
Delaying the project by 10 days, but allowing us Friday and most of Monday off.

“If you don’t want [the manager] on your neck, take him out for a drink, you know he loves to drink, take him out, get him hammered, make sure he cops off with a young lass, take pictures and send it to his wife. Or the police if she looks young enough.”

Prologue

Characters:
Senior Manager - Chris Jackson
Consultant - Dionne Walters
Information Source 1 - Robert Sawyer
Information Source 2 - Michael Davies
Consultant - Corporate Whore

Synopsis:
Chris Jackson has recently separated from his wife. Sources seem to suggest that she accused him of being unfaithful. An accusation he has denied vehemently.

Robert Sawyer and Michael Davies are mutually exclusive and are not aware of the information the other holds.

Michael Davies has evidence of an amorous relationship between Chris Jackson and Dionne Walters.

Robert Sawyer is a close (as close as you can get in a corporate environment) friend of Dionne Walters. She has made it known to him that she has a new boyfriend who is also a consultant. However, she claims he works for another firm.

Scene:
London Bar for a colleague’s leaving do.

Dionne Walters and Robert Sawyer are with a group of colleagues. Dionne seems slightly dejected. Robert seems concerned. They break away from the group of colleagues so they can discuss a private matter. Dionne and Robert find a relatively quiet spot at the top of the stairs.

Enter Corporate Whore walking up the stairs. The Corporate Whore has had a few beverages and has been feeling merry for some time; however, not so merry that he can’t be relied upon to give accurate information/figures if he were to receive a request from a neurotic manager.

Dionne and Robert quickly glance at the Corporate Whore to ensure he is sufficiently intoxicated and/or out of earshot.
Corporate Whore mentally notes that Dionne appears tearful, however he cannot be certain as the alcohol has fully integrated with his blood stream.
The thought escapes his mind and at that moment, the Corporate Whore receives a split second moment of clarity. At the exact same moment Dionne whispers to Robert that she is pregnant.

To be continued ….

Overheard by a number of managers, senior managers and partners under varying degrees of intoxication ….

“University for me was pretty much a blur. I remember smoking copious amounts of marijuana at Cambridge and generally farting around. I did however manage to pull my socks up and plagiarise my finals. HA HA”

“Of course they are having problems with the system. If we ship them crap I would expect nothing less.”

“In the strictest sense, what we’re doing probably won’t add much benefit and I assume the whole thing will need revamping in 3 years. Which is where we offer a maintenance service.”

“That lass on your team, my goodness she has an arse on her. I would love to get her and [my wife] to do some dirty things to me.”

“University? I didn’t bother. My father knows a few people that were able to pull strings for me. I came from a 3 year journey across Australia and the oriental countries to [this job]. I was probably 100 times above any legal drug levels. It’s a wonder I didn’t keel over after my first week.”

“I know you know the project is pointless. I just can’t get my head round why the client doesn’t realise this. Never mind, they are paying tonight, what you having?”

“The whole thing is just bollocks. It won’t work.”

“At the client meeting tomorrow, don’t mention anything about [it]. If they ask, we don’t want to lie, but we CANNOT let them know the truth”